08:30 AM CDT on Thursday, October 26, 2006

Like most kids, Halloween is my second favorite holiday behind Burning Man. In order to prepare you for the scariest of October nights, I give you Gordon Keith's Halloween Grab Bag of Fun and Horror.

Gordon Keith

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Newspaper Column

Halloween spooks ranked from least scary to most scary:

•Mummy

•Ghosts (friendly)

•Happy jack-o'-lantern

•Uncarved pumpkin

•Black cat (undead)

•Ghosts (revenge-seeking)

•Witch

•Skeleton with chattering jaw

•Hobgoblin

•Vampire (revenge-seeking)

•Orc with lisp

•Painting with eyes that follow you

•Minotaur

•Horny elf (on drugs)

•Bride corpse at foot of bed

•Victorian child with forehead blood trickle

•Richard Nixon mask (any context)

•Jack-o'-lantern (homicidal)

•Conjoined twins with oversized unblinking eyes

•Frankenberry

Three quick and scary Halloween stories you can share with your friends:

1. Little Johnny went trick-or-treating in his neighborhood. He was dressed as a funny little devil. Republicans captured him and killed him. The End.

2. Three teenagers went camping in some remote woods near an old Indian burial ground. As soon as they started heavy-petting each other, a park ranger mistook them for a drunk bear and shot them dead. Their spirits had blood all over them but they kept on petting, but only above the waist. The End.

3. Sally, a thirtysomething woman who couldn't find a husband, got ready for bed in her sad, man-lacking apartment. She thought she heard something stir in the bushes outside.

"Probably nothing," she laughed to herself as the lights flickered. Just then, a bullet from the park ranger's gun pierced her unloved heart. He then began heavy-petting himself as an orc with a lisp looked on. The End.

Tell Gordon what you wore (or didn't) at Burning Man at gordon@gordonkeith.com. Hear him on "The Ticket" KTCK-AM (1310) weekdays from 6 to 10 a.m.