If you are anything like me, you have lust in your heart 24/7. I walk
around all day staring at women and mentally turning them into
contortionists. I feel bad about this, but I suspect it is just the
curse of being a male, especially being a male in a city of hot women.
Gordon Keith
Newspaper Column
Here is my question: Do women know that men sexually evaluate every
woman they see? Men do this. I am not lying.
More specifically, a man sorts women into three categories: "Would,"
"Probably would" and "Over 70." That is a slight exaggeration, but I do
find myself interested in all kinds of women these days, from the
younger well-groomed Barbie to the older earthy chick that lets herself
grow out like a Chia pet. I wonder if women's tastes in men are as
diverse.
Lately, I have noticed my favorite is the mid- to late-30s affluent
housewife. She always looks a little available when she is dropping off
her kids somewhere, wearing sweatpants, hair pulled up, taunting me,
waiting for someone to tell her she is pretty again.
You can easily deduce that her rich older husband is impotent and she
wants to feel the exhilarating rush of infatuation before she finally
surrenders the power of her fading youth. ... Sure, it all sounds like
the contents of a diary that's been introduced into evidence, but it is
true. The older woman is sexy, until she hits 40, then she's worthless.
Just kidding, ladies. (P.S. Or am I?)
I wouldn't say my standards have lowered with age, but I would say they
have broadened. Here are my scientific findings. When you are 20, you
want only top-shelf supermodel quality. When you are 30, you want a
low-maintenance fun girl who's not too fat. When you are 37, you want
anyone who is not your wife. When you are 45, you want a full set of
teeth or anybody who is under 200 bucks an hour. And when you are 50,
your privates are dead and you frantically defibrillate them with pills.
I truly believe that the sex drive is the No. 1 destroyer of
relationships. But to be fair, it is also the creator of the very
relationships it destroys.
It's only a matter of time before Gordon is panting after
septuagenarians. Put your application on file at gordon@gordonkeith.com,
and hear his lust-crazed voice on "The Ticket" KTCK-AM (1310) weekday
mornings from 6 to 10.
