"We need to have a serious talk," I said.
He turned to me, his eyes wide. "What's wrong?"
Jessica Burgess
Clearly Unedited
"Well," I said, licking my lips nervously. "You know those two pieces of pie we brought home from my parents' house on Thanksgiving?"
His facial expression changed from fear to puzzlement. "Yes, I remember," he said.
"And you know how I ate my piece right away? And even though it's been almost 24 hours, you haven't eaten yours yet?"
"Yes," he said.
"Well," I said, and trailed off, looking at the floor. I didn't want to do this. But I had to tell him. He had to know.
"That's basically the worst thing you can do to another person, is taunt them with pie," I finally blurted out.
"Taunt you with pie? How was I taunting you?" he asked, baffled.
I was almost in tears. "If we're going be a family, you have to understand how hurtful it is to leave uneaten pie in the refrigerator when there is someone else in the household whose fondness for pie is well-known throughout the land."
He was aghast. "I'm sorry. I didn't think," he said. "I ... I just wasn't hungry for pie yet."
"Well, you've got to think!" I bellowed, angry now. "Think about what it's been like for me – every time I want a Diet Coke, there's pie. Every time I get a sugar-free Jell-O cup, THERE'S PIE. It's maddening. All I can think about is your pie."
We were both quiet for a moment.
"Actually, I don't even like pumpkin all that much," he finally said. "Why don't you have my pie?"
I laughed bitterly. "Don't lie to me. I don't want your pity pie."
"Seriously," he said. "The thought of day-old pumpkin pie is kind of gross to me."
I sneaked a look at him. "Really? Are you positive?"
He smiled. "Really."
"Only if you're sure," I called over my shoulder, already on my way to the refrigerator. "I mean, I don't want to pressure you," I said, shoveling pie into my mouth.
"It's OK," he said. "I had no idea you felt so strongly about holiday desserts."
"Marriage sure is a learning process, isn't it?" I said, wiping my mouth on my sleeve. "Now we need to discuss these mashed potatoes."
Fool better keep his hands off Jessica's eggnog. E-mail her at jburgess@quickdfw.com.
