Hi there! It's been a long time! Let's shake hands, old pal – put 'er there! Oops, I hope I didn't hurt your hand with my NEW ENGAGEMENT RING!!!
Jessica Burgess
Clearly Unedited
Yes! I am affianced! Betrothed! Engaged to be wed!
But it's honestly no big deal. My boyfriend (I mean fiance) and I already live together and stuff. Nothing will change, really. It's just a piece of paper and OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I'M GETTING MARRIEEEEED!
Oh, and I guess my boyfriend (I mean fiance) is too. Technically.
Sigh. It seems as though the proposal was just last week. (Which, if you want to split hairs, it was.) The International House of Pancakes parking lot at LBJ Freeway and Josey Lane was romantically lit by moonlight, illuminating the shimmering puddles of motor oil on the asphalt. We were walking to the car, and I was wondering if that butter pecan-flavored syrup is really all it's cracked up to be, when he suddenly took both my hands and said, "[Embarrassing stuff edited out]?"
I looked over my shoulder to be absolutely certain he wasn't talking to someone else, then said, "Are you sure?"
"Yes!" he said.
"Well, OK then," I said, then the camera zoomed in, and the music swelled as we smooched beneath the glowing IHOP sign.
Since I don't like for people to look at me or otherwise be aware of my existence in any way (which makes my being a columnist ideal, when you think about it), we decided to run off and get married instead of having a big wedding.
When I told my parents that we were eloping, my mom pumped her fist and hissed, "Yes!"
My dad frowned. "But ... " he started to say, before my mom shouted, "LET THE KIDS DO WHAT THEY WANT, HONEY." I do not think that wedding planning is her favorite hobby.
Something I did not know about getting engaged is that it alters your entire personality. For example, generally speaking, I am a crappy girl. I do not know how to dress or apply makeup in such a way that the result is not comical. Therefore, I pay almost no attention to my appearance. Why fight a losing battle?
But then I realized that even at an elopement, there would be a ceremony, which means photos, and that my boyfriend (I mean fiance) probably deserves his memories of the day to include a girlfriend (I mean fiancee) who doesn't look like a tree sloth.
So the other day, I sat in front of my computer, looked around nervously, and surfed to a Web site that offers hairstyle suggestions for brides. Then I carefully researched liposuction options. Then I shopped for a "casual" wedding dress at J. Crew.
I mean, I've got to look good for that reception at IHOP.
Jessica is opting for a bridal "look" that includes a loose chignon and smeared mascara. E-mail her at jburgess@quickdfw.com.
