Something about marine biology that I bet you did not know is that dolphins are a lot like strippers.
Jessica Burgess
Clearly Unedited
I made this amazing discovery this weekend, when my boyfriend and I decided it would be an extremely original idea to spend Memorial Day at SeaWorld of Texas in San Antonio. "It will be a private sanctuary!" we congratulated ourselves. "No one else will think of going to a huge water-based amusement park on a major summer three-day weekend!"
This is because, when our resources are pooled, we only have seven brain cells between us. (Any fewer and we'd have gone boating.)
Anyway, there were 9 gazillion kabillion people there, most of them obese and/or pushing strollers, so it was kind of hard to navigate the crowd. But we finally managed to make our way to Dolphin Cove (a.k.a. Large Swimming Pool For Captive Dolphins That Is Actually Kind of Depressing), where a brochure had promised us that we could "touch and feed playful Atlantic bottlenose dolphins!"
Well, if by "playful" they meant "totally mercenary," then that brochure copy is extremely accurate.
The dolphins, far from being the friendly creatures I had imagined, were only interested in people who had purchased small, dead fish that they dangled enticingly from their fingers like dollar bills. For those people, the dolphins would perform the aquatic equivalent of a pole dance.
But for those of us who hadn't the foresight to buy dead fish? If we reached into the water, a heavily muscled bouncer would scowl at us and point to a sign that said "TWO-FISH MINIMUM."
I wanted to touch a dolphin. I felt pretty sure that if I did, the dolphin would immediately sense my sensitive nature, stop swimming, stare up at me, then turn around and offer me a ride on his back. Then he would carry me to a magical world where animals can talk and no one has to wake up before noon and beer doesn't make you fat. And my roommate there would be a unicorn.
But it was no use. The booth that sold the small dead fish (they cost $1 each – coincidence?) was closed, and the dolphins ignored me in favor of swimming around grumpily looking for fish-equipped parkgoers.
Oh well. Next time I'll know and be sure to stock up on dead fish. I'll need to be careful not to accidentally take them to a strip club, though. That'd be an awkward mix-up.
Jessica would really like to see a dolphin do a pole dance. E-mail her at jburgess@quickdfw.com.
