While American Idol's Simon Cowell is a jerk, he is also – and I am ashamed to admit this – so hot I can barely sleep at night.
Jessica Burgess
Clearly Unedited
Why? Why? Why do I find him so attractive? Haven't I learned any self-love in all those years of therapy?
It's such a stupid crush. If he knew about it, he would say, "You don't look like someone who should be dating me. What you look like is a poorly coifed sow in ill-fitting pants from Target."
Then he would flick his hand toward the door and say, "Off you go."
And I would cry, because I want to take him home and violate him before God punishes him for his sins against all mankind.
What is it about him? His man boobs? His horrible hair? His capped teeth? His advanced age?
Maybe – and I am just guessing here – he drives a stick shift.
For this is a fact: Guys who drive stick shifts are inherently much hotter than your average automatic-transmission fellow.
Show me a guy in a POS import with a stick, and a guy in a Lexus with an automatic transmission, and I'll tell you which one gets more play: the guy in the Lexus. But the stick shift guy is hotter.
When this was just a working theory, rather than a scientific law, I asked some of my girlfriends for anecdotal evidence.
"Yes, guys who drive stick shifts are hotter," one said.
"Way hotter," another said.
And the strongest testimonial: "I like it even better if they're also smoking, and groping me, and changing the CD. And when I say 'they,' I of course mean my boyfriend, and him and him alone."
My friend paused.
"I am a total slut."
So you see, if I can in fact prove that Simon Cowell drives a manual transmission, I no longer need feel guilty for craving his abusive pillow talk.
Instead, I can just feel guilty for wearing ill-fitting pants from Target.
Jessica wrote this column for the sole reason of sending this guy with whom she is supposed to be monogamous into a fit of paranoia. Valentine's Day is gonna ROCK this year. E-mail her at jburgess@quickdfw.com.
