Smacking people with a lead pipe is, I'm sure you'll agree, a great stress-reliever, one that leading psychologists recommend.
Jessica Burgess
Clearly Unedited
That's why, when I was a well-adjusted 12-year-old, I loved the video game River City Ransom, which consisted largely of whacking strangers with objects found in trash cans.
Also, there were brass knuckles. Ah, those heady days of youth, when the air smelled a little sweeter – and bloodier.
Then times changed. The Nintendo Entertainment System was replaced by fancier consoles such as the Super Nintendo Entertainment System. I could not keep up. I stopped playing video games in favor of more wholesome pursuits, such as making prank phone calls.
Years later, after I'd mourned and forgotten my lost love of savagely assaulting characters in video games, I got an excited text message. My boyfrusband had heard from his sources on the street that the local Target had received a shipment of the elusive Nintendo Wii.
"Go ahead and buy it," I told him. I did not believe that this "Wii" would affect my life any more than the game consoles that had come before it.
The gentle caress of the PlayStation2 had failed to move me. The Xbox and GameCube left me cold. Oh, Nintendo DS and PlayStation Portable, don't embarrass yourselves. I feel nothing for you.
So my boyfrusband bought the Wii, and also a video game called The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, and now I have forgotten what the sun looks like because that game is freaking AWESOME and I haven't left the couch in days. Weeks. Fortnights. I can't remember anymore. I am too busy fighting the monsters of darkness that have descended on the kingdom of Hyrule.
Die, giant spiders whose corpses contain generous prizes of rupees (a form of currency used in Hyrule)! Die!
My boyfrusband, who bought the Wii for his own personal use, is understandably upset. "When do I get a turn?" he asked plaintively.
I pressed the pause button and turned to soothe him. "In just a minute," I said. "I'll be done really soon."
He smiled, then I whacked him with a lead pipe. Hyrule is depending on me.
Jessica knows that gamer chicks are the hottest. E-mail her at jburgess@quickdfw.com.
