If you are very lucky, you will find a life partner who has the same moral values as you, such as believing apartheid is unjust, and also housework.
Jessica Burgess
Clearly Unedited
But even a shared values structure does not mean you will never disagree. I know this from painful experience with this guy who was hanging around so much that we decided to buy a house together.
When we moved in we divided the labor thusly: He would mow the lawn, and I would do the grocery shopping.
"But what about all the other work that goes into home ownership?" you ask. Well, after careful deliberation we decided, "Screw all the other work that goes into home ownership."
(Do not think us total degenerates – we have someone come clean the house once a month, which I felt bourgeois and guilty about at first, until I realized that she makes substantially more per hour than I do.)
Anyway, during our first winter living there, I noticed that my boyfriend hadn't mowed the lawn in a long time.
I pointed this out to him in a loving and non-accusatory way.
"I'm not mowing the lawn because the grass is dead," he said.
Gasp. I hadn't thought of that when I carefully negotiated our agreement. Why should I have to shop when he didn't have to mow the lawn?
So I didn't.
After a few weeks, he opened the refrigerator, and two light bulbs went on. The one inside the fridge, and the one over his head.
"Have you not gone shopping?" he asked.
"Nope," I said. "Not going to until the spring, either."
"Huh," he said, then rummaged around in the kitchen until he found a piece of moldy bread, which he gnawed on while staring at me with big eyes.
Thus began months of hard times, with both of us barely surviving on nuts, berries and Wendy's value meals.
Finally, spring arrived. I peeked over the forehead-high mound of pizza boxes and Subway bags and saw that the grass was growing. "Go mow!" I ordered. "Mow like the wind, then we shall eat something besides Little Caesar's 'Hot 'n' Ready' cheese pizzas!"
He looked at the grass too, then looked at me, frowned, and said, "I'll mow after you shop."
"No way. I'll shop when the lawn is mowed."
We glared at each other through slitted eyes. Ominous music from The Good, the Bad and the Ugly played in the background. A tumbleweed rolled by.
And the standoff still has not ended. That is why neither of us has eaten a food that does not come in a box in months.
Maybe that grass has some nutritional value?
In real life, Jessica goes to the grocery store at least two or three times a year. E-mail her at jburgess@quickdfw.com.
