I've been thinking about the size of my butt lately.
Jessica Burgess
Clearly Unedited
It's a subject I generally try to avoid, but the other day I swear I
heard a pair of pants weeping fearfully before I tried them on.
Clearly, it was time to address the ass.
I certainly wasn't going to start doing something wacky and trendy like eating
right, so I got a personal trainer. I think, on my way to the gym
that first time, I suspected that she would lead me into a back room
where I would be treated to liposuction and ice cream.
No. Lisa, who exacerbates the atrocity of being pretty and in fabulous
shape by also being really nice, handed me some shiny, scary barbells
and sat back to enjoy the show.
Lisa was of the Tony Robbins school of physical fitness. "You're going
to do 12 reps for the first set," she said. "Then, on the next set,
you're going to max out. Push it until it hurts. If you think you can't
do one more, then do two. Go ahead. You can do it."
So I punched her and went to Baskin-Robbins.
No, not really. I pushed it until it hurt, huffing and puffing with a
red face, trying not to sob at the sight of myself in the mirror wearing
an XXL South Park T-shirt among the buffed weight lifters.
"You did great!" Lisa said when I was done. "Most people won't exert
themselves like that their first time. They're afraid of looking stupid."
"Thanks!" I said, very pleased with myself. Wait. Oh no. "Oh my God! DID
I LOOK STUPID?"
Anyway, working out has lots of benefits, if you can overlook the abject
humiliation of it.
For example, I was just finishing dinner out with this guy who keeps
following me around, when the server came with the dessert menu. "No
thanks," said the guy. "We're full AWWWWWK."
As he pulled the napkin out of mouth, I turned sweetly to the server. "I
believe I would like dessert," I said. "After all, I've been working
out."
Anyway, I've got to go. Lisa just sent me an e-mail expressing
excitement about "attacking" my "abs." But I don't think we'll be able
to do that. My abs just punched me and left for Baskin-Robbins.
At least Jessica has a great personality. E-mail her at jburgess
@QuickDFW.com.
