If you are a male-to-female transgendered person, please give me a call. I need to know where you buy your shoes.
It's time to admit it: I am a double D. But only below my ankles.
My troubles started early. At the age all little girls deserve to wear pink Velcro shoes emblazoned with My Little Pony and/or Strawberry Shortcake, I had to wear plain leather oxfords that fit only after the store put them in a special "stretcher" for several weeks.
But then one day I needed athletic shoes for day camp. The Stride Rite in Golden Triangle Mall was flummoxed. I was a tiny little girl with giant hobbit feet, and nothing fit.
Finally, the sales clerk, sweating and out of breath with the search effort, triumphantly wielded some triple-wide sneakers. On them was nary a pony, but instead Darth Vader's phallic head. Oh, the shame.
What's worse: They were navy blue. CLEARLY BOY SHOES.
Day camp turned out to be outdoorsy torture. "Oh my God," the other little girls would snicker as we gathered around the flag for the morning pledge. "Is she wearing non-pastel shoes?"
I would hang my head as I held my hand over my heart. I could feel no pride in a country that judged a girl on her Darth Vader footwear.
(The cruel twist, of course, is that in this age of hip retro irony, I would kill for a pair of Darth Vader shoes, which I would wear with my faux-aged Dukes of Hazzard T-shirt.)
This early shoe-buying experience cheated me out of my birthright as an American female, and that is a fetish for lovely, expensive shoes.
For my entire adult life, while other women flit from store to store like hungry butterflies that feed on strappy sandals rather than nectar, I've quickly snatched up whatever looks as if it might fit from discount shoe stores. I consider it a successful shopping excursion if I can successfully cram my feet inside whatever I've brought home. Bonus points if I get blisters no bigger than a silver dollar.
Lately, I've taken to ordering shoes online. On the Internet, no one can hear you scream. Or see that you're ordering drag queen pumps for your "career casual" outfits.
Jessica has nothing personal against Darth Vader. E-mail her at jburgess@quickdfw.com.
