Sometimes readers accuse me of making up the things I write in this column. These readers are absolutely correct.
Jessica Burgess
Clearly Unedited
So in an effort to "set the record straight," I'm going to strive for absolute honesty while I answer some "frequently asked questions," which I made up.
Q: Who the hell is this "guy" you are always talking about?
A: Ostensibly, he is my boyfriend.
Q: Do you really have a boyfriend? Or is that just a pathetic lie?
A: Yes, I do. Years ago, I selected him from an orphanage and groomed him for the position until he was of legal age.
Q: Do you actually have a lesbian cat?
A: Well, I used to, but she isn't acting very Sapphic any more. Maybe the ex-gay movement got a hold of her?
Q: Do you have any other pets?
A: I have a parrot who knows the following phrases: "Pretty." "I'm pretty." "Pretty pretty pretty." He is kind of narcissistic. But his favorite thing to say is "JERRY!" I am not sure why. He might be a fan of classic cartoons.
Q: Is it true that you once accidentally microwaved a Lean Cuisine for 53 minutes instead of five minutes and 30 seconds?
A: Yes. It was a little crunchy.
Q: Who do you like in the NCAA Tournament?
A: Oops, I probably should have answered this one earlier.
Q: Are you on vacation this week and that's why this column is so short and strange?
A: Um. Maybe.
Jessica promises to bring back souvenirs. E-mail her at jburgess@quickdfw.com.
