Valentine's Day is over, and now chocolate in heart-shaped boxes is 50 percent off.
Jessica Burgess
Clearly Unedited
But we do not care! We spit upon Valentine's Day candy!
Because what is new in stores for a limited time is so much better than Godiva, so superior to Ghirardelli, so crazily anticipated for almost a year, that we cannot think of anything else.
Welcome back, Cadbury Creme Egg!
Welcome back, chocolate shell with creepy yolk inside that will never become a chocolate chicken because I am going to eat you.
Welcome back, foil covering that is sticky and hard to take off so you end up chomping down on foil and it hurts but you do not care because your mouth is filled with sugar.
Welcome back, heartburn and obesity.
I am so happy I could cry tears of joy that would make tracks of cleanliness through the chocolate slathered across my face.
And this year, I'm going to be smart, and buy enough Creme Eggs to get me through the long Eggless months.
To be honest, this is a plan that did not work last year. It's just hard to estimate exactly how many Creme Eggs one realistically needs, and my supply ran out in April. Or perhaps March. Late February? In any case, a tad short of the 12 months planned.
So this year, I will put them in the freezer so they have to thaw out before I can eat them without breaking my teeth. Then I will dole them out at the rate of approximately one per week. About 300 should be enough, taking emergencies into account.
I will be tempted over the months, I know. The little devil on my left shoulder will whisper, "Jessica. Give me a [very bad word] Creme Egg. Satan compels you."
But then the angel on my right shoulder will say, "No, Jessica. Don't eat all the Creme Eggs in one Creme-smeared orgy. You'll be sorry tomorrow."
"Shut up, angel on my right shoulder," I'll say, and fling open the freezer.
Then I will wake up in a puddle of melted chocolate. The devil will be passed out, using a broken chocolate shell as a pillow. The angel will be sobbing quietly as it tries to extricate itself from a pool of goo.
Sigh. It's no use. I might as well face it: I will never have enough Eggs.
So I'd better stock up on some of that half-off Valentine's Day candy, too.
Anyone want to join Weight Watchers with Jessica? E-mail her at jburgess@quickdfw.com.
