The other night, this guy who currently drives a slightly crumpled Honda
and I were discussing whether to garage the new Ferrari professionally,
or to just park it on the street in order to maximize neighbor jealousy.
Jessica Burgess
Clearly Unedited
Not that we can afford a Ferrari – or even to fix the crumpled Honda.
But soon, any Ferrari dealer in the world will be desperate to shove the
keys into our hands, because I am pretty sure we won that $315 million
"Mega Millions" jackpot last night.
(I haven't even bothered to check our tickets yet – that's just how sure
I am.)
That's why it made me sad to see all those wild-eyed people this week,
crazed with "lottery fever," buying up thousands of dollars' worth of
tickets when they didn't have a chance.
"Stop wasting your money," I wanted to say, grasping their arms in a
sincere manner. "I'm pretty sure I've got this one sewn up." Then, when
they flailed around in an effort to make me stop sincerely grasping
their arms, I would snatch their tickets and run off.
I may have been a shoo-in, but stacking the deck a little couldn't hurt.
I'm pretty excited about winning the lottery, because the most I've ever
won before in a game of chance is $20 from a scratch-off ticket my
parents put in my Christmas stocking in 1994. I am not sure what I did
with this unexpected largesse. There's a good chance I forgot to cash it
in.
But I certainly won't do that with my $315 million.
Let's go over some lottery etiquette for jackpots in the future (which I
will also win, because while $315 million is good, $630 million would be
better):
•Don't ask your co-worker to "pick up" a lottery ticket for you. Can you
imagine the unfairness if someone else won with a ticket you bought for
him? Personally, my head would explode, and I imagine that is among the
milder potential reactions.
•If you win (which you won't), don't make the media wait forever to get
a look at you. Surely you don't need to seclude yourself with your
lawyers for months before you can "come forward" to claim your prize.
Not that you will have a prize to claim. Because I am going to win.
•If you do win (I guess there's a VERY SMALL chance) you should
definitely donate a huge portion of your after-tax take to those who are
less fortunate.
For example, I know this couple who needs some car repairs.
If you don't see Jessica's column in this space next week, she is
probably vacationing in her new mansion in Aruba. E-mail her at
jburgess@quickdfw.com.
