"Ah, spring," I said to my boyfrusband. "Chicks are hatching; dogs are whelping; kittens are suckling. It makes me think it's about time for us to nurture new life."

His eyes got very big and he stopped trying to hide the Babies "R" Us catalog he is constantly examining on the sly.

(If you're ever out in public and see a 30-year-old man staring covetously at your child, please do not call the police. It is only my broody spouse.)

"Not that kind of life," I said, slapping the catalog out of his hand. "I only meant that it's flowerbed-planting season."

It's true that many couples successfully raise children without dehydrating them until they turn yellow and die. But I think before we make that effort with a human baby, we should practice by keeping a shrub alive for more than three weeks, an endeavor that has thus far proved deadly to a sad series of doomed landscape plants.

I am sorry, dwarf crepe myrtle, red-tip photinia and gold flame honeysuckle. You did not deserve such nasty, brittle ends.

(The problem with plants is that they don't let you know when they're thirsty. I always remember to give water to the cats, because they crowd up at the door and yowl if their bowl is empty. If plants would only meow or something, it would be admittedly creepy, but also quite handy.)

This time though, I really believe we can avoid plantricide, because we are mature, we are committed, and also we have this cool new attachment for the hose that simulates rainfall.

So last weekend we knocked up the front of the house by planting ten small bushes. I am not sure what their scientific name is, but colloquially we call them "$6 Shrubs From Home Depot."

We tilled, we mulched, we made sure the root ball was not buried too deeply even as we snickered at the word "root ball." I felt extremely maternal.

Finally, we stood back and admired our healthy, thriving plants. Then we dressed them in onesies from Babies "R" Us.

Jessica has never stepped foot in a Babies "R" Us, though she may have accidentally looked at it online once or twice. E-mail her at jburgess@quickdfw.com.