Columnist's note: Hey, before you read this – can you make sure you're not the guy for whom I will be purchasing Christmas presents? Because if you are he, and you keep reading, you will not only spoil the surprise, but I will also punch you in the crotch.
Everyone else, you're fine. You don't have to protect your groin like that – I won't hurt you.
Jessica Burgess
Clearly Unedited
A few months ago, that guy who I shooed away up there and I were discussing the holidays. "So what are you going to want for Christmas?" he asked.
"A pony," I said, just to see if he was really listening, and he nodded absently.
I sighed. "What about you?" I said. "What do you want?"
His eyes lit up. "An Xbox 360!" he said.
"Hmm," I said. "Let me put it another way. What would you like for Christmas that would not involve $1,000 and a vicious eBay battle?"
"Oh," he said, crestfallen. "I don't know. I'd like anything you got me."
HUGE LIE ALERT! I can think of any number of things he would not like, even if they had a big tag that said "FROM ME" on them. Exercise DVDs, for example. Wine- tasting classes. Books on feng shui. A threesome with another guy. The list is endless.
So I put the whole gift-for-boyfriend question on the back burner, until I suddenly realized this week that Christmas is alarmingly soon.
I needed a gift idea, quick. What is something my boyfriend will like yet will not irritate me?
I went to a bookstore (everyone likes books, right?!) and wandered among the Hot Bestsellers. First I picked up Why Do Men Have Nipples? Then I put it down hastily because, really, I do not care why men have nipples, and pondering it kind of grosses me out.
Are Men Necessary? by Maureen Dowd kind of amused me as a potential gift – but it seems like a subtle dig to give it as a present to a guy. And I prefer my digs to be obvious and overt.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, maybe? We could always use a third copy. (I was getting desperate.)
Finally, I ended up getting him a set of fancy poker chips, because he, like many men, thinks he is a poker maven of the first degree.
Maybe he can win enough to buy an Xbox 360.
Jessica really does want a pony. Make her dreams come true at jburgess@quickdfw.com.
