It's a magical time of year, when you fling open the front door and see a fanciful wonderland of iciness, the kind of thing you hardly ever get here in Texas, which is actually kind of good, because, I mean, that's why you live in DALLAS instead of somewhere awesome like CHICAGO or NEW YORK CITY, because you don't like to be cold, and when it's freaking freezing all the time like this you feel absolutely cheated, because if you're going to be all uncomfortable anyway then you might as well live somewhere that has comprehensive public transit.
Jessica Burgess
Clearly Unedited
One or two days of "wintry mix" is fine. It's an annual event, much like Christmas or the closure of several hundred lanes on the Dallas North Tollway.
We cheerfully slip and slide all over the road, and all the schools close (except for ones in DISD because they are apparently located in a magical city of clouds), and we make tiny snowmen and write our names in the snow.
With a pen, I mean. I don't want to make you think I am a transgendered person.
But this sustained bad weather is unprecedented, and I am angry and want a refund.
I don't even have clothes to wear for climate conditions like this. All my shoes are Birkenstocks. My pants all have holes in the knees. I have gloves, but only in case I ever need to hide my fingerprints.
My only coat is a 2002 model from Old Navy and it's covered with gerbil hair and cigarette burns. Which is mysterious, considering I don't smoke or have any gerbils. Also, it is not very warm and makes me look like a pudgy sailor.
So please join me in shaking my fist at the heavens, demanding the unseasonably warm weather that is our birthright.
"But Jessica," I can hear you saying. "It's not that cold anymore. Why, it's a balmy and temperate 50 degrees!"
Temperate? Shut your hot chocolate-hole and listen up, Frosty.
I don't live here in North Texas for the fabulous Broadway shows or the winning baseball teams. I want hot, cloudless weather and I want it now.
After all, I'd like to be comfortable as I ride DART buses to work after I've driven my car off an icy overpass.
New York City actually told Jessica to keep out. E-mail her at jburgess@quickdfw.com.
