This guy who lives in my house and I were snuggled on the couch watching a movie, except I couldn't concentrate. I was distracted by these huge, disgusting growths on his feet.
Jessica Burgess
Clearly Unedited
"Honey," I said. "I do not wish to alarm you, but your toes have apparently been stricken with malignant tumors."
He looked down. "Those are my toenails."
Yikes!
I ran and got the clippers. "Hold still," I said, then attacked. And attacked. And attacked with renewed vigor.
Finally, I gave up.
"Your neglected, out-of-control toenails have defeated my clippers," I said. "I am afraid the only option we have left is ... a pedicure."
He gasped. "No way. I don't want a stranger handling my feet."
"C'mon," I cajoled. "You'll love it. You get your feet rubbed, you get to sit in a massage chair ..."
"A massage?" he said, perking up. "Does that mean I also get a happy ..."
"You better say 'meal,' " I interrupted.
"Right, meal. 'Do I get a Happy Meal' is what I meant."
"No," I said. "But you can choose whatever color of polish you like."
That is how my boyfriend and I ended up spending part of a sunny Saturday afternoon in a North Dallas salon.
"Nervous?" I asked, patting his hand as we sat in the waiting area.
White-faced, he was examining a list of the body parts he could get waxed. "This place is scary," he said.
Then they called his name. He walked to the pedicure station with his face turned toward me. "Don't make me go," his expression said. "I am afraid for my toes, and for my manhood."
Coldly, I turned away from him and back to a 2002 copy of In Style . From the nest every baby bird must fly.
The next time I looked up, his eyes were rolled back in his head with pleasure as a woman rubbed lotion on his calves.
When he was done, I examined his shiny, symmetrical toenails and asked him how he'd liked it.
"That was effing awesome," he moaned. "How often can I do this? Like once a week? Also, do you think I should get my eyebrows waxed?"
I smiled to myself at the successful castration performed with cuticle scissors.
Then I took him to get a Happy Meal.
Jessica needs new toenail clippers. E-mail brand recommendations to jburgess@quickdfw.com.
