There are plenty of rude questions that people know they're not supposed to ask – but do anyway.
Jessica Burgess
Clearly Unedited
The ones I used to hear the most were: "So when are you getting married? What are you waiting for? You're not getting any younger you know. Are you a lesbian? You totally are, aren't you? I knew it."
Now that I am getting married – and to a man! – I'm not off the hook. I still get rude questions. Just new, creative ones.
"So when are you having kids?"
"Is that a real diamond?"
"You haven't blasphemed by having sex already, have you?"
So, as a reader service, I have compiled a helpful list of things not to ask anyone, ever.
"Have you lost weight?"
No. But thank you for pointing out that I look like a heifer on days when I dress less carefully.
"Why aren't you drinking?"
1. I have a horrible, drippy, social disease, and the superpowered antibiotics I am taking don't mix with alcohol.
2. After drunkenly driving my car off a cliff Toonces-the-Driving-Cat-style, I have to take a court-ordered urine test twice a week.
3. I'm pregnant, but haven't told anyone yet. Now I am thinking I should risk giving my baby fetal alcohol syndrome so people will stop asking me that.
4. I'd prefer not to kill a family of four on my drive home tonight. Maybe a family of three, but four is just greedy, don't you think?
5. It's my first week in Alcoholics Anonymous, and I figure I'd better at least pretend to try for a while.
6. Because I'm not thirsty, you dillhole.
"Hey, you work for the newspaper. Why did you guys stop printing the stock tables? It ruined my life."
I don't know. Thanks for reading!
"How much did your house cost?"
Enough that I cried at closing, but not enough to stop the foundation from crumbling beneath our feet.
"Hey, did you know you've got giant cracks in your walls? Looks like foundation problems."
Sob.
"How much do you make?"
How much do you make? Then I'll add $10,000 to that figure and say that's how much I make.
"Have you ever thought about breast augmentation?"
No. I've already spent all my money on therapy to try and fix my body image.
"Are you smoking crack?"
Why, were you going to offer me some?
"Are you sure you're not a lesbian?"
Why, were you going to offer me one?
Jessica feels really bad about all that blasphemy. E-mail her at jburgess@quickdfw.com.
