I am turning 29 in a few days, which is the age at which you are no
longer permitted to refer to yourself as "in your 20s," because people
will point and snicker.
Jessica Burgess
Clearly Unedited
Normally, I like birthdays. In fact, I always look forward to the
opportunity to demand expensive largesse from the masses.
But potential for birthday angst this year is amplified by the fact that
I recently found a gray hair. It is a phantom gray hair, only visible in
the mirrors at work. When I get home, armed with a pair of tweezers and
in the mood for plucking, I can never find it. Maybe it's just that work
makes me old.
Anyway, after a brief period of despondency about this clear evidence
that I am rapidly hurtling toward death, I got excited. Because maybe if
I'm getting older, I'm also gaining wisdom. Wisdom that I have a solemn
responsibility to share with the world!
So here are some rules for living, gleaned from almost 30 semiconscious
years on the planet:
• Alcohol is not the answer.
• Unless the question is, "What's for breakfast?"
• The URL "ihatemylife.com" is already taken.
• Never, ever, ever shake a baby.
• Always listen to your parents, except when they're being old and
stupid.
• Between Cheez-Its and Cheese Nips, Cheez-Its totally win.
• Because they're made with real cheese.
• Remember: Things can always get worse.
• But then they usually get better.
• No, just kidding!
• You can't change other people; you can only change how you react to
them.
• At least, that's what I tell people who see me pouring beer on my
cornflakes.
Jessica is always in the mood for plucking. E-mail her at
jburgess@quickdfw.com.
