There are a lot of problems facing America today, and the most threatening one is the people who do not express the proper decorum while driving on this great country's streets and highways.
Also there is terrorism and dependence on foreign oil, but today I'd like to focus on the traffic jerks.
Luckily, there is a simple solution to this major problem, and all it will take is a little of my time, a can of spray paint and a jet pack.
That's right: I am volunteering to hover, like an avenging, jet pack-powered angel, over the streets of our fair city, especially around I-635 and the Tollway, and whenever someone does something jerky, like purposely drive really fast in a lane that THEY KNOW GOOD AND WELL IS ENDING so they can get ahead of the huge line of traffic that's stuck in the merge lane, I will swoop over their car in my jet pack and, with my spray paint, write a giant scarlet "A" on their car.
Why an "A"? I do not know for sure. It just seems appropriate.
I will probably wear a costume of some sort, perhaps with a mask and/or a short cape (not too long; I don't want it to get burned by jet exhaust, because capes, being a niche product, are pretty expensive).
Pretty soon, all the jerks will be marked with the telltale "A," and we decent, moral drivers will know that they have HAD THEIR CHANCE, and under no circumstances are we to allow them to merge at the front of the line.
Eventually, all the scarlet "A" drivers, unable to get onto the highway through a wall of angry, non-yielding citizens, will be forced to park on the side of the road and eat the wild grasses that grow on the shoulder to survive. Join me in self-righteous laughter at the jerkheads who will have to nourish their exaggerated sense of entitlement on thistles and dandelions!
Peace will reign. Eventually, with the city's traffic under control, I will be able to store my jet pack in the garage. My cape, hanging on the coat rack, will lead to awkward questions from visitors. I will handle it by blaming it on foreign oil.
But I will always be ready, my spray can shaken up, for the return of the non-decorous drivers.
Jessica is looking for jet packs on eBay. E-mail her at jburgess@quickdfw.com.
