You probably have a list of exotic things that you'd like to try someday.
Jessica Burgess
Clearly Unedited
Kayaking. Bungee jumping. Going a full month without bouncing a check.
But sadly, such a list is probably a horrible idea. Mine includes a lot of things that have been crossed off, with disastrous results.
Skydiving, for example. An activity that directly caused me to receive two separate prescriptions for Vicodin.
Or writing a humor column. Which, judging by the e-mail responses from last week's effort, is clearly an abysmal failure.
But since I never learn, I decided to try one more thing on my list: Stand-up comedy.
Before a humor-writing conference I was planning to attend (I figure if I learn to be funny I'll get less hate mail), one of the speakers sent out an e-mail soliciting volunteers for a stand-up event.
Had I been drinking that night? Possibly. In any case, I said I'd like to give it a whirl.
"Great," the organizer said. "You'll have seven minutes onstage. Be sure to rehearse a lot –that's key."
The conference arrived, and I had not rehearsed what you could call "a lot." I was too scared. What if I practiced, and made the discovery that last week's e-mailers were RIGHT?
This is the logic of avoidance that has made me the put-together woman I am today.
So when it came time to throw myself under the bus – I mean, "perform" – I was on the verge of vomiting.
As I climbed onto the stage, about 125 people stared at me. I looked down at my hand, where I'd written down my "routine." To my horror, I had sweated most of it away.
I looked at the crowd. It stared back at me. I considered feigning an attack of narcolepsy. "Aww," the crowd would say, forgiving me for my non-funniness. "Look how cute she is when she's sleeping."
No. I would not sleep through my Big Break. I took a deep breath, tried to focus on the colorful blur that was the audience, and started talking.
And it was fine! It was like talking to my friends, except there were about 123 more people there than I have friends.
My "act," which mainly consisted of jokes about Dayton, where the conference was held, culminated with my pointing out that Ohio has a county called "Licking." (Get it? "Licking" sounds vaguely sexual! Ha ha!) And people actually laughed! Probably out of pity. But that is OK.
Anyway, it went so well that perhaps my "list theory" is wrong, and I should get back into skydiving.
And maybe I'll even start writing a humor column.
E-mail good "material" to Jessica at jburgess@quickdfw.com.
