Gremlins, despite what you may remember from when you were 8 years old, is not scary.
Jessica Burgess
Clearly Unedited
"Those 'monsters' are clearly puppets," I said last weekend upon seeing the 1984 movie for the first time. "I am not frightened at all."
My boyfrusband looked disappointed. (Which is a much better reaction than he had when I disparaged The Goonies, which was to throw his wedding ring at me and scream, "Goonies never say die!")
"Well, I think it's scary," he said, then brightened. "Let's watch Gremlins 2 now. It's way better. You'll love it. Hey, don't go anywhere. Stay on the couch. Seriously. I'll get you a bedpan."
Just like you should never reveal weakness to an enemy, it's always a bad idea to admit to not having seen a movie.
That's because no matter how obscure the film in question is, the person you are talking to will gasp loudly and say, "Oh my God. You haven't seen Ronin? Hey, everybody, look at the freak who hasn't seen John Frankenheimer's gritty 1998 opus!"
And there are a lot of classic Gen-X movies that I haven't seen, since I wasn't allowed to go to anything rated PG-13 until I was (this will shock you) 13. Therefore, for most of the 1980s, my cinematic diet consisted largely of Herbie movies. (Which, these days, are sexy, too, what with Lindsay Lohan piloting the sentient Volkswagen.)
Anyway, that's why I spent a prime weekend night recently watching four straight hours of Gremlins movies. And while Gizmo was cute (OK, way cute, though clearly a puppet), that wasn't enough to make up for the swamp of '80s schlock.
"Wasn't that great?" asked my boyfrusband after the ordeal, humming along with the theme song.
"It's no Sound of Music," I deadpanned.
"Haven't seen it," he said, still humming.
"Oh really?" I said, immediately punching up our NetFlix queue. "You'll love it."
E-mail Jessica for an invite to the Julie Andrews party at jburgess@quickdfw.com.
