There's a room in the house no one is allowed to see.
Jessica Burgess
Clearly Unedited
It's our embarrassing little secret, like a crazy ex-wife in the attic or a freezer in the garage filled with dismembered bodies, yet somehow more shameful.
It's the Room of Perfectly Good Furniture That We Replaced Because We Are Addicted to Ikea.
You'd never expect this from a quiet couple like us. Generally, what we like to do in the Burgess-Boyfrusband household on Saturday nights is go to Blockbuster and rent Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, which has an important environmental message that is relevant even today, i.e., don't hunt whales into extinction or an alien probe will destroy the planet in the 23rd century.
But every once in a while, one of us will get a crazy glint in his or her eye, and bashfully wonder if the other would like to ... you know ... (giggle) ... take a trip up to Frisco.
And we'll pile into the car and drive up the Dallas North Tollway and park 14 miles from the store (and glare jealously at the close-in "family-friendly" parking as we hike by) and skip inside and go up the escalator (being sure to pick up a paper tape measure and tiny pencil on the way) and dance into the showroom and start salivating uncontrollably.
"Look at this coffee table," my boyfrusband will say unsteadily, caressing the "birch-look" veneer. "It only costs $30!"
"What about this futon?" I'll respond, jumping up and down and barely able to talk through my excited hyperventilation. "It's only $18!"
Then we will chorus in unison, "Oh my God! Those cushions are just $2 each!"
The problem is that we already have a coffee table and a futon and numerous cushions. But does that stop us? No. At Ikea, it does not.
And the out-of-control behavior doesn't end when we reach the checkout, having worked ourselves into a frenzy while loading the flat-boxed furniture onto a cart.
"LINGONBERRY COOKIES!" I'll shriek, spying the impulse-purchase display. "What is a lingonberry? I do not know! But those cookies are my destiny!"
"Yes," my boyfrusband will solemnly agree, reaching into his wallet for our debit card. "The cookies are important."
Then we will go home and quickly schlep the old furniture into the spare bedroom, which is running out of room.
That is OK. I am pretty sure Ikea sells storage sheds for 50 cents.
Jessica's favorite Star Trek movie is the one where the Enterprise crashes. E-mail her at jburgess@quickdfw.com.
