When I was fixing a chicken the other day, and I had to get out the little giblet bag, I felt guilty, like I was taking liberties with the chicken without even buying it a drink.
Jessica Burgess
Clearly Unedited
When you've been a vegetarian for most of your life, digging around inside a bird carcass is not something that comes naturally.
I was 15 when I decided that Animals Have Rights Too, and I abruptly stopped eating anything that didn't grow on a stem. Or come wrapped in cellophane. A couple of years after that, I got pretty hungry and decided that fish were almost vegetables.
Ten years later, desperate to drop 10 pounds, I decided to go on the Atkins diet. To ensure success, I decided to reintroduce poultry into my diet on a limited basis. I drove to a Chick-fil-A, ordered a sandwich and took a tiny bite.
HOT DAMN. I shoved the rest in my mouth and ordered another.
But after two days on the diet, my head hurt and my insides felt greasy, so I ate a loaf of bread and threw away the Atkins book.
Yet, ever since then, I have been contributing to the slow decline of the chicken population.
That's why, at 29 years old, when I decided to try my hand at baking a whole chicken, it was my very first time to face the giblet bag. Which I couldn't find, even after horribly violating the chicken. So I shoved it in the oven anyway, after nervously looking around to make sure no one was watching.
"Maybe," I thought, "the giblet bag will give the chicken extra flavor."
The directions said to bake the bird for 60 minutes. So after an hour, I pulled it out and stuck a knife in it. And was greeted with chicken blood.
I shoved it back in the oven for another 20 minutes. But there was still blood! Enough for a chicken-based satanic ritual!
I took another look at the directions and scratched my head. Yep, it said 60 minutes for a three-pound bird. So why wasn't it done? Why? Why?
Then I looked at the wrapper sitting in the garbage can and noted that this particular chicken was five pounds. Apparently there is some correlation between weight and cooking time. Who knew?
Introducing any more blood into the kitchen would have started to draw wolverines, so I left the chicken in the oven until it was nice and dry.
And fed it to the cats. Vegetarianism has its good points.
Were you aware that veggie burgers taste as bad as they look? E-mail Jessica for more fun facts at jburgess@quickdfw.com.
