Its teeth were like razors, and its eyes were shiny coals. Under the garage-dusty loveseat – which we should have sold on Craigslist, but now it's covered in cat hair and we'll never get rid of it – the creature lay in wait.
Jessica Burgess
Clearly Unedited
Deep in its fur, its own fleas quivered in fear. "We've got to find a nice normal cat or something," the fleas said, looking at flea real estate listings.
It watched as I walked into the garage with a load of laundry and measured soap into the washer. Its eyes glistened like an oil slick, dark and malicious.
Then, it struck.
My boyfrusband was in the living room, laboring intently on a game of Ninja Gaiden, when he heard my scream.
He pressed pause, took a gulp of Diet Coke, filed his nails and then immediately rushed into the garage to find me flattened against the wall.
"What?" he cried. "What's the matter?"
Wordlessly, I pointed a shaky finger.
His gaze followed, then his eyes widened as he spied the creature that had me cornered.
"Aw, what a cute little guy!" he said. "Want some cat food, little guy?"
The possum looked at him with big eyes. Big evil eyes.
"No cat food!" I shrieked. "Why are you nurturing and fattening the object of my terror? Make it go away!"
"It's just a little possum!" he insisted. "Aren't you? Aren't you just a cute little possum? Yes you are! Yes you ARE!"
The possum smirked at me.
"Get rid of it!" I hissed, certain that the possum was going to charge and chew off my legs at the kneecap. "Chase it away!"
"God, OK," he said, picking up a broom. The possum looked up at him and batted its cartoon eyelashes. "I am fuzzy and weigh a non-threatening four pounds," its body language seemed to say. "Please don't send me out into the dark night."
My boyfrusband put the broom down. "Do I have to?" he whined. "It's so adorable. I'm in love with it. I want to keep it in a cardboard box and feed it raisins."
While his tendency to see beauty where none exists has worked out well for me personally, I couldn't let a possum live in our garage. So I said a mental goodbye to my lower legs, snatched the broom and swatted at its pink, hairless tail until it ran out into the night.
"Now my heart is broken," my boyfrusband announced. "I'd better go play some more Ninja Gaiden to get over the loss."
"Yeah, you do that," I said. Then I followed him inside and listed him on Craigslist for cheap.
Send angry, pro-possum hate mail to Jessica at jburgess@ quickdfw.com.
