Hillary Clinton needs a theme song.
Please, Republihaters and Sarcasticrats, resist the urge to suggest a certain Meredith Brooks anthem that rhymes with "twitch."
The senator is seeking your assistance with her presidential campaign song. Because, clearly, you have nothing better to do. She details this request on her Web site, describing in deadpan how Team Clinton has been "agonizing" over this crucial matter.
The early track list is full of safe choices: "Beautiful Day" by U2, "I'll Take You There" by the Staple Singers and "I'm a Believer" by Smash Mouth (instead of The Monkees' original, sadly).
Closer examination of other nominees reveals some potentially frightening ego expansion. Example: "Suddenly I See" by KT Tunstall, which includes the lyrics, "Her face is a map of the world ... You can see she's a beautiful girl ... And everything around her is a silver pool of light."
Don't know about you, but I always describe Hillary's mug as "a map of the world."
The boldest option listed: "Ready to Run" by the Dixie Chicks. Because nothing says "unite the nation's opposing views" like "the Dixie Chicks."
But the senator can do better. Here are some incredibly helpful suggestions, and how they might play in '08.
• "One Nation Under a Groove" by Funkadelic: Hillary constructs an elaborate genealogy chart to prove she's a relative of George Clinton. But a campaign slogan of "Free Your Health Care System and Your Ass Will Follow" is met with indifference.
• "I'm Every Woman" by Chaka Khan: Hillary's not a woman. She's EVERY woman.
• "Control" by Janet Jackson: It's the ultimate I-don't-need-Bill song, but effective only if she wears a headset microphone while doing the Cabbage Patch.
• "Pink Houses" by John Mellencamp: Hillary scores major points by promising a home for every American. She loses the male vote by insisting the houses be pink.
• "Come Together" by The Beatles: The chorus would rock the convention, but she might have to explain "toe jam football."
So good luck to you, Sen. Clinton, in your quest for the perfect song. You'll get our vote, but only if it's on the world's greatest mix tape, played in a boombox, hoisted in your hands outside our window.
Rob is starting a band called The Elaborate Genealogy Chart. E-mail him for an accordion audition at rtclark@quickdfw.com.
