08:36 AM CDT on Wednesday, June 22, 2005

By JESSICA BURGESS / Quick

I've been watching a lot of movies lately. Movies are good, because you don't have to think or talk or worry about controlling your incessant mouth breathing. Anyway, here are some reviews of movies old and new:

Jessica Burgess

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• Batman Begins: Someone needs to let Katie Holmes know about the existence of two things: padded bras and acting lessons. Her nipples totally stole the show.

• I hated everyone in Closer. But I also wanted to have a beer with them. I don't know why. Probably because there would be a high likelihood of "getting lucky."

• Watching Trekkies was a little humiliating. That's because the guy-who-is-the-reason-I-can't-go-pick-up-people-at-bars-anymore looked over my shoulder and said, "What is that 7-foot-tall thing?"

I said, "Duh, that's Mr. Homm," then was suddenly deafened as the Nerd Alert Siren went off at full blast.

• It's worth buying the DVD of Team America: World Police just for the expanded puppet coitus scene.

• Cinderella Man was a fabulously psychological thrill ride, filled with the apocalyptic sights of exploding buildings and raging seas and the edge-of-your-seat moments you'd expect from a Steven Spielberg vehicle such as – oh, wait. I'm thinking of War of the Worlds. Well, I'm sure that they're both really good.

• I thought Hayden Christensen made a great Anakin, and I also liked the part where he wasn't wearing a shirt. He, too, has scene-stealing nipples.

That's all I remember about Revenge of the Sith.

Jessica loves the educational aspects of movies. For example, were you aware that puppets don't have nipples? E-mail more fun facts to jburgess@QuickDFW.com.