Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes will likely wed tomorrow in a Scientology ceremony at a 15th-century Italian castle in a lakeside town near Rome.
Here is the Quick staff's take on the ceremony.
Everyone knows the four things a bride must have on the day of her wedding. It's no different for Katie Holmes:
Something old: Kelly Preston's used paperback copy of Dianetics – with notes and underlined passages.
Something new: An uneaten Jenny Craig fettuccini meal from Kirstie Alley.
Something borrowed: A $10,000 loan and plane ticket to Mexico from dear ol' Dad, just in case Katie gets miraculously deprogrammed before the ceremony.
Something blue: A pet Smurf, Fed Ex'ed from Oprah, because Oprah can do anything.
"I'm hungry. I hope my adoptive parents wrap this up soon. OOPS, I MEAN MY REAL PARENTS WHOSE DNA I CARRY IN MY GENES. La la la. I hope I grow up and learn to type soon. I have a great idea for a science-fiction book and/or major religion."
OK, so they probably didn't register for these things, but they're getting them anyway (celebs are just like that):
•Valium (from Brooke Shields, with a smirk).
•A new sofa for Tom to jump on – from Oprah (resentfully).
•Dawson's Creek box set – from Michelle Williams, to remind Katie who has the Oscar nom and who has the much hotter husband-to-be (Heath Ledger).
•Keith Urban CD (from Nicole).
•The "truth" from Jack Nicholson. Can Tom handle it now? Don't think so.
What will Tom and Katie say during their vows? We got a peek. OK, we made it up.
I, Tom, star of Mission: Impossible 1, 2 and 3 and an Oscar-nominated role in Magnolia, take you, submissive starlet Katie, to be my adoring wife, to have and to hold in front of various cameramen from this day forward, for better (War of the Worlds!) or worse (The Last Samurai!), for richer or poorer (glad I talked you into that prenup, ha ha!), in sickness and in health (but try not to get sick, because someone has to plan the schedule for Suri's nannies), to love and to cherish (even more than Nicole Kidman or Mimi Rogers), until my career gets back on track (Days of Thunder 2, here I come!), or Scarlett Johansson returns my phone calls.
I, Katie, totally can't believe I'm marrying Tom Freakin' Cruise! You were so hot in Top Gun (R.I.P. Goose!). I wanted to be one of those bottles you tossed around so nimbly in Cocktail. I even thought you were cute in that Born on Independence Day movie when you were in a wheelchair and looking all old and stuff! So I'm way excited about this marriage, and I know that, unlike your previous two actress wives, I'll make you happy forever!
Oprah Winfrey made news when it was reported she wasn't invited to the wedding. Here are other friends who didn't make the cut:
•Terl, leader of the Psychlos
•Col. Nathan R. Jessep
•Louis de Pointe du Lac
