Good day to you, globetrotting cable-TV chef. My name is Alibaster K. Abthernabther; best-selling author, champion yacht racer, hot-air balloon enthusiast and producer of high-quality reality television.
Being an accomplished "televisionary," I am persistently conjuring innovative ideas for reality television programming. Even with the tremendous worldwide success I've earned producing such shows as Million Dollar Suitcase of a Lifetime, Wife Nanny and Who Wants to Shave My Dog? – not to mention my celebrity-based projects, Living Larroquette and Scott Baio is 47... and Sobbing Uncontrollably – I have no desire to rest on my laurels.
As of late, I have noticed a popular movement in televised culinary travelogues, such as your No Reservations program. I am, of course, speaking about the trend of people eating disgusting things on camera. It's a rather winning formula. Historically, television viewers love to watch other people eating live insects and dried animal phalli.
This is nothing new. In the world of humiliating reality TV competitions, we've been making contestants ingest nasty things for years. Now, adventurous eaters such as you are wolfing down live spiders and jerky made from boar's penis, not for cash prizes, but for the sheer thrill of it. That is to be applauded. And that is how we will combine our considerable forces.
With Anthony Bourdain's Wide World of Tasty Anuses, you will take the traveling TV chef medium to pioneering new heights, as you travel all over the world eating only the finest in indigenous animal rectums.
You'll taste anuses in Tehran, nibble anuses in Nairobi and chew anuses in Chechnya. We will uncover all manner of local anus-based delicacies, and you will feast on them feverishly for the delight of cable and satellite television subscribers the world over.
You will no doubt be critically praised and showered with accolades for your anus-eating endeavors, eventually winning an Emmy in short order. I am so certain of it that I will make the following declaration in print: If you do not win an Emmy for the first season of Anthony Bourdain's Wide World of Tasty Anuses, then I promise to produce two more seasons, at least.
I must admit, I am a little concerned about the restrictions of the title. Certainly, it would be exponentially more interesting to explore whole new arenas of edible animal genitals. Perhaps we can devote an episode to New Orleans blackened catfish taints, or Floridian alligator vaginas.
We can work out the particulars over lunch, Mr. Bourdain. Let's make a date of it. I'll have my people call your people and make reservations at this little place downtown that serves the best chicken-fried armadillo penis in Texas.
Yours,
Alibaster K. Abthernabther
Submit your Rocky Mountain oyster recipes to alibaster.k. abthernabther@gmail.com.
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