The year's end recurrently produces a profusion of annual inventories which allow us to recollect with revelry the most immediate of nostalgias.

2007 has been no different, as the "Best Of," "Worst Of," and "Best Worst Of" roll calls have shamelessly promulgated like a high school football team and a Kentuckian prom queen with a belly full of frozen daiquiri.

"Ah, yes," you have no doubt recently exclaimed, "I do remember the untimely death of that pilled-out, cosmetically altered, cricket-faced TrimSpa spokeswoman and the subsequent carnival-like legal wrangling to determine the identity of her baby daddy."

"Sigh," you have sighed, "the Mavs certainly choked like a gastric bypass patient at a hot dog eating contest."

Along with these redundant reminiscences of "remember when," the New Year's commencement provides us with an opportunity to start anew by declaring resolutions for our own betterment.

"Huzzah," you will proudly state, "I will renew my gym membership and adhere to a fitness regimen with a self-discipline and stick-to-it-iveness heretofore unseen in my daily routine."

"Zounds," you will pronounce, "I have got to stop visiting those Web sites!" You know the ones. However, this resolution will ultimately be altered to, "I have got to start deleting my browsing history."

Looking back while simultaneously peering ahead, I have combined these two annual customs and compiled a catalog of my best New Year's resolutions. I call it "My Best New Year's Resolutions."

• "I will no longer use videotapes of city officials involved in various improprieties to bribe them for fun and profit. Only for profit." (1998)

• "I will read at least two good books a month. Also, I will now categorize the sides of cereal boxes and playing cards depicting topless ladies as 'good books.' " (1976)

• "I will no longer discipline my servants with reeds and switches. I will beat them with aluminum reinforced canes." (1984)

• "I really need to find that other cufflink." (1968)

• "Think up a new safety word. 'Harder' and 'faster' don't seem to be working very well." (1987)

• "Carbs are out." (2003)

• "Hire a personal nose- and ear-hair trimmer. You owe it to yourself." (1977)

• "From now on I will only wear trousers that have the word 'Juicy' embroidered across the backside." (2002)

• "When I am in a hurry to get somewhere, pedestrians no longer have the right of way." (1982)

• "Fire that insolent personal nose- and ear-hair trimmer and hire a new one who will not protest when you demand that they wear the vinyl facemask and ball gag." (1978)

Alibaster K. Abthernabther welcomes your comments and ignores your derisive glare. E-mail him at alibaster.k.abthernabther @gmail.com.

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