Greetings. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Alibaster K. Abthernabther. Among a great many things, I am a best-selling author, world champion yacht racer, hot-air balloon enthusiast, card-carrying member of Cold Stone Creamery's Birthday Club, and noted scholar of arts and letters.

I am quite certain you are already aware of my work. My spirograph compositions hang prominently in galleries and museums of elite repute all across the globe. My written work has been translated into every known language imaginable (except for Spanish, French and Klingon) and featured in thousands of award-winning literary journals and high-caliber culture periodicals, such as Crossbows & Arrows Monthly , Escargot Aficionado and Kicking Poor People in the Stomach Digest .

I taught law at Harvard, medicine at Yale, and advanced social networking at Southern Methodist University. I have acquired degrees from all of these universities, as well as a smattering of honorary doctorates from Boston's Barbizon School of Modeling and the Diesel Driving Academy in Shreveport, La.

I hold long-standing world records for thickest back hair, fastest sneeze and most bald eagle eggs swallowed whole during a single sitting. I am the proud yet ultimately deserving recipient of the Nobel Prize in chemistry, 12 People's Choice Awards, seven Grammys and a Source Award for Best Acting in a Movie by a Rapper.

As a Dallas resident and local celebrity, I have caroused with an esteemed circle of colorful company. I have cavorted with Jack Ruby, frolicked with Stanley Marcus and taken body shots off of Mark Cuban's surprisingly supple abdomen. I have chased skirts with Luke and Owen Wilson and pursued pants with Todd Oldham and Kenny Goss. I have pranced naked through the Arboretum's gardens, skipped through the Nasher Sculpture Center in the buff, paraded about NorthPark Center wearing nothing but a smile, and been arrested for public nudity on occasions too numerous to recall.

I also love lemon cake. An acquaintance once suggested in jest, "If you love lemon cake so much, why don't you marry it?" The next day, in a lavish ceremony held at the Rosewood Mansion on Turtle Creek, I legally wed a slice of lemon cake. We honeymooned in Fiji, swimming and sunbathing until our muscles were sore and our skin was leathery. Then, while completing The New York Times Sunday crossword puzzle, I consumed my new bride and washed her down with a triple espresso. She was quite delectable. How I miss her so.

My exploits are legendary and my legend is exploitive. I have been everywhere, achieved everything, and done everyone in every way. I have scaled the highest peaks of Mount Magorious. I have explored every murky inch of the Mariana Trench. I have shampooed, conditioned, combed and braided the beards of ZZ Top. I have rocketed across the spiraling cosmic thickets of time and space to influence the greatest thinkers, seduce the prettiest people and don a staggering assortment of hats.

I also have a blog.

And now, dear reader, I am humbled to be at your disposal. Each week, this column space will feature expert advice for the average inquisitor and anecdotes of adventure and intrigue. Or it may consist of anecdotes for the expertly inquisitive and intriguing advice for the average adventurer.

We're still retooling it a little. Market research suggests that there is already an ample bounty of feature columnists producing average anecdotes. Hopefully this will be something fresh, something new, something "frew."

Unfortunately, I will now have to cut my introduction short so I may attend to a pressing matter requiring my immediate attention. My seasonal capes are not going to color code themselves.

Alibaster K. Abthernabther welcomes your comments and ignores your derisive glare. E-mail him at alibaster.k.abthernabther @gmail.com.