Good day to you. My name is Alibaster K. Abthernabther, best-selling author, champion yacht racer, hot-air balloon enthusiast and fellow philanthropic luminary. However, such a formal introduction is quite unnecessary, seeing as we are lifelong friends, frequent recreational sports partners, and we list each other as our "Emergency Contact" whenever we fill out a job application.
As a member of the Dallas community, I must commend you and your family for the generous $50 million donation that your children bestowed upon the soon-to-be-erected Museum of Nature & Science.
Let us give the readers a brief moment to stifle their giggles after having read the word "erected" in that previous sentence.
As I was saying, your family's charitable gift to the city is a gracious gesture that is deserved of the utmost gratitude. This is how I feel as a Dallas resident. Nevertheless, as a close confidant and friendly competitor, I must say, "Nice try, Rumple Chumpskins."
Don't think I have forgotten about last week, when we made that affable wager whilst engaged in a match of team-based, virtual-reality hurly-burly. We agreed that the gentleman who had the least number of public attractions named after him by July 4 had to buy the winner a grape-flavored Shasta. Don't think I forgot about that.
Don't you remember? We were playing Halo online. Right after I saved your wrinkly rump from a jackal horde with a few well-placed plasma grenades.
Seeing as Perot donations are often made anonymously, I foolishly assumed that I had this bet safely in the bag. Then your kids go and pull this little shenanigan. I seem to remember calling "no shenanigans," but I guess I was wrong.
So, to quote the Bingu tribes who reside atop the snowy peaks of the Hamachalayan Devil Range, "It's go time, lady-face!" Actually, that's not a quote from the Bingu tribe. That's something I read on a T-shirt once. No bother.
Read and weep, as I present to you the sizable bequests I plan to make in the coming days, no doubt resulting in – what?
Jelly and jam! I am afraid this will have to wait, my friend. I've used up all my allotted column space in the build-up to this wildly hilarious list of places that would be named after me. Good gads, it would have been quite an uproarious litany.
Oh well, I shall just text it to you later.
Yours,
Alibaster K. Abthernabther
Local nonprofit organizations and grant writers willing to rename their public facilities in exchange for a private donation of 140 trillion fillion bobillion dollars may submit their requests to alibaster.k.abthernabther @gmail.com.
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