Like O.J. Simpson's If I Did It, there are some train wrecks I just can't repress my self-respect long enough to pay for. The latest case in point: a $15 ticket to see celeb-blogger Perez Hilton at Dallas' House of Blues last weekend.

Let me be clear: I'm not morally opposed to blogs that sling Hollywood rumors and poke fun at our nation's version of royalty. Trent Vanegas' Pink is the New Blog, for instance, is a daily read.

But there's just something about Perez' mean-spirited, tacky tone that's always kept me away from his site. But nowadays, you just can't seem to escape the guy. He's on everything from magazine covers to an MTV rap contest to his own VH1 show. His Web site proclaims him "the queen of all media."

I'd love to hear what Oprah has to say about that one.

Celebrities reportedly want to kick the dude's ass. Photo agencies want to sue him for stealing their pictures. Even when it comes to celebrity "news," I like a source with at least a little integrity. And this guy has none.

Sure, we all make jokes about public displays of Britney's and Paris' nether regions. But unlike Perez, most of us don't make money off of it, only to be seen on Tmz.com pulling our testicles out of pink bikini briefs.

Speaking of which, for all the trash Perez talks about good-looking people, you'd expect him to be much more attractive and aware of general fashion guidelines. One of which is that if your tummy falls over the waist of your pants, tiny underwear probably isn't going to be flattering.

Some of the illustrations of Perez on his site make him look like a blue-eyed man with nice hair and a discernable jawline. If you've ever caught him on his talk-show rounds, you'd know this is not the case. He's much rounder, and his hair is always some "notice me" shade of orange or blue.

I'm thoroughly convinced the guy is the bastard love child of Joan Rivers and the Kool-Aid man.

When it comes to late-night talk shows, I'm a Leno guy. And when it comes to celeb-blogs, I'm a Trent man. Call me old-fashioned, but I guess I like my bloggers to be funny without being mean.

And to leave their testicles in their underwear, whatever style they sport.

Brandon's just jealous because tmz.com refuses to write about him. E-mail condolences to bformby@quickdfw.com.