01/21/2010Tips for beating Cowboys depression01/14/2010Surviving the flight of the damned I get it. Traveling on a plane with children is tough work. Parents must platoon to keep the children quietly entertained.01/07/2010A New Year's Eve to forget There are three things you cannot trust me with: a bag of meth, an underage ferret and a live TV microphone. The first two are obvious (I love feeding underage ferrets meth). The third? It's on YouTube.12/24/2009I keep my resolutions easy to reach Time to start getting serious about your New Year's resolutions. I know you are thinking that you are a miserable fat loser and there's really no hope of trying to change yourself for the better. Very true, but why not make a half-hearted effort just to say you did? (I have a motivational-speaker background.)12/17/2009My rules and regulations for mall Santas Being a mall Santa is a tough business. My father was a mall Santa. In fact, I think he met my mother on the job. She wasn't a kid, mind you. She was a full-grown human female working as an elf. They hit it off, unfortunately in front of children. So he was fired, and I carry the shame in my DNA.12/10/2009How to get flocked for Christmas I'm notoriously cheap when it comes to buying a real Christmas tree. I just can't see paying 200 bucks to watch something die that I didn't put a bullet through. 12/03/2009Gordon's helpful Christmas FAQ December is here, and you know what that means: Only one more month until my electronic monitoring bracelet is removed. (I can't wait to freely move around Collin County again.)11/26/2009Why I'm thankful this year I don't know why, but every year at this time I like to write down a list of things for which I'm thankful. I think the tradition is somehow tied in with my anticipation of the Pearl Harbor anniversary.11/19/2009Why do we date the demented? I once went out with a girl who had the odd superpower of being able to get twice as drunk as the average human. This could produce tremendous awkwardness at parties when she would vomit behind throw pillows or pass out in the dog run. 11/12/2009How to get to, and improve, Sesame Street Sesame Street is celebrating its 40th anniversary this week.11/05/2009It's a man's world ... or is it? I was watching her get ready for our date. There was something beautiful about her fuss over the details.10/29/2009Gordon's Halloween Grab Bag of Fun There are few things in this world more fun and life-affirming than my Annual Halloween Grab Bag of Fun. I consider it a labor of love, but you can think of it as a list of stuff I came up with right before last call. Either way, we're both wrong.10/22/2009It takes years to undo fears of youth What is life, other than attempting to impress your high school friends years after they have ceased to care? 10/15/2009Decorating my heart out "Please tell me you are not going to decorate the house for Halloween again," she said.10/08/2009An exclusive interview with U2-loving Dunham & Miller In anticipation of U2's concert on Monday at Cowboys Stadium, our own Gordon Keith was granted exclusive access to the two most famous U2 lovers in North Texas – George Dunham and Craig Miller of "The Ticket." Gordon: After 30 years, why is U2 still your favorite band?10/01/2009Requiem for a squirrel [Editor's note: We return to one of Gordon's classic columns this week. Think of it as "Gordo's Gold." Or a rerun. Either one.]09/24/2009My love affair with the fair If you are a longtime reader of this award-winning, hastily written column, you know that I love the State Fair of Texas more than I love putting my man privates in a vise and inviting strangers to crank on it. (Editor's note: Gordon, this comparative doesn't work.)09/17/2009Pardon the interruption: Kanye West and Joe Wilson I am glad that Americans have shown that they can unite against a common enemy, like al-Qaeda, cancer and Kanye West.09/10/2009Gordo talks to Romo, and offers his fearless Cowboys predictions Now that the Death Star in Arlington is fully operational, Jerry's plan for controlling the NFL galaxy is coming to fruition. All he needs now is the cooperation of a powerful, somewhat young Jedi (Romo), and the cunning of a beautiful princess who was once attracted to her brother (Wade).09/03/2009I'm a stallion who's not in the mood A few days ago, I pulled on my cowboy boots, snapped up my Western shirt and arrived at a horse-riding stable at the crack of dawn. The sky was already blushing as I kicked through the dust toward the barn with coffee in hand.08/27/2009First day of school fears08/20/2009Old-style fan just blows me away Ihave many heirlooms. My father's desk. My uncle's pocket watch. My grandmother's chastity belt (broken). 08/13/2009Let's dumb down together08/06/2009Behind the scenes at Cowboys training camp It is my strong opinion that the Dallas Cowboys are the biggest NFL franchise in Dallas-Fort Worth. This cannot be disputed. Kinda like the moon landing and the Kennedy assassination. 07/30/2009If looks could kill ... How is it that a girl who normally won't wear anything more revealing than a beekeeper's suit will freely prance around in skintight clothing just because it can be worn in chlorinated water? Does she not consider the Marty Feldman eyes appraising her from a hole in the common fence that separates our yards? (Please omit before publication.)07/23/2009Gordon Keith: Into the great wide open This is the time of year when many families are experiencing that ritualistic beating of The Family Road Trip. Coolers are being packed, favorite blankets are being clutched and hip flasks are being concealed. And, as usual, tempers will flare before the tailpipe scrapes the pavement in front of the house. 07/16/2009Tips from a superstar media personality [Editor's note: We return to one of Gordon's classic columns this week. Think of it as "Gordo's Gold." Or a rerun. Either one.]07/09/2009Down by the sea, things get weird A vacation at the beach can be no vacation at all if you are me.07/02/2009Let's remember the happier MJ My sister was way into Michael Jackson. She had a poster hanging in her room that caused a profound short circuit in my developing brain. 06/25/2009Close (and strange) encounters I once had a girlfriend with one of those little Paris Hilton dogs. 06/18/2009Barking dog, or evil incarnate? I have never really had the guts to confront anyone. I'm the guy who never sends back a meal, even if a dead rat is blended into my sandwich. I'll let yapping mothers mistreat their kids in front of me while I rehearse courageous dialogue in my head. 06/11/2009Everybody in the pool - except you, Keith family We were never really pool people, in the sense that we never actually had a kidney-shaped body of water in our back yard in which we could urinate freely. We wanted one. The kids. But my mother was deathly afraid of pools, and my father, he didn't want the exertion of acquiring an intellectual grip on basic chlorine chemistry.06/04/2009Ask Gordon, and you shall receive "S ince I can't reply to everyone personally through e-mail, I reply personally through a column." 05/28/2009Check out my large carbon footprint I love the Earth's environment. In fact, it is one of my favorite places to live. Yes, I love eagles soaring and bended grain, and any other soft image found behind prayer scriptures on TV. However, as much as I love the environment, I suck at preserving it. 05/21/2009To shave or not to shave, that is the question I lost a bet, and now I may have to do something drastic.05/14/2009The best hotel convention center ever I imagine Mayor Tom Leppert was shirtless last Saturday night, partying his ass off, and kissing not babies, but their hot mothers, as aides tried to remind him through gritted smiles that cameras were rolling. 05/07/2009The language of love ... and enchiladas In my early adulthood, when I first traveled to Europe, I was scared as hell. I was frightened I wouldn't have enough money to get back home, and that I would have a kidney stolen. Turns out I had plenty of money for my cheap style of traveling, and when I ran out of that money, I SOLD a kidney to return home. (Wasn't my kidney.)04/30/2009Gordon Keith: Don't come near me, you swine! I fear many things – death, burglars in Scream masks and now swine flu. 04/23/2009World destruction imminent; comments are on Asteroid collision imminent, experts say: World destruction in nine hours.04/16/2009400 words about 140 characters Twitter has reached the tipping point. Newscasts are now updating us on which celebrity is the latest to begin "Twittering." 04/09/2009Spring smells of daisies and bedpans The other day I found myself frolicking in a meadow. I guess I don't mean "found" as in "I had no idea where I was or what I was doing before I looked down to spot myself doing grands jetés in a poppy field." Actually, I do mean that.04/02/2009Minivans: as sexy as we make them I'm a car nut. I love all kinds of cars, and wish I were rich enough to own one of every model ever made. 03/26/2009Awkward encounters at a local super-store I am at my new local Wal-Mart super-store, doing my damnedest to put mom and pop outta business, when up walks this guy. He is in his 20s. Dressed OK, not great, but certainly better than me. 03/19/2009Squat down and listen to this In this economy, anyone who hasn't been laid off is doing the job of someone who has. Perhaps you are one of them – doing three times the amount of work for the same pay – but if you are smart, you don't openly complain about it. 03/12/2009Feel the power of terrible music We all have songs that immediately drain the life force out of us. For whatever reason, they are perfectly matched to some raw nerve in us that makes us want to claw the eyes out of a moose when we hear the familiar opening chords. 03/05/2009Do these critters deserve our love? Are pets really that great? I know we sing their praises and say things like, "That dog means more to me than Jesus," but didn't we see what happened to John Lennon for saying such things? 02/26/2009What Dubya's diary might look like Well, I'm back in Dallas again after 10 or 11 long years of being the president. I figure I better start keeping a diary. Already working on my first book of memoirs. I'm sure I'll confuse literary elites with my unconventional use of an elderly black man as the folksy narrator of my life. Also, to attract young people, I'm adding more vampires and wizard schools.02/19/2009Flying object of my affection I've seen a UFO. I was standing in front of my parents' house with my high school girlfriend. We were getting into her car for heavy petting.02/12/2009How to not hate the first date My love life is more checkered than an Italian tablecloth. Gordon’s Valentine Cards I am struggling through sickness to write my annual Valentine cards. I thought you would get a giggle out of some old ones I found, along with a few new ones.02/05/2009Cycling through dark history Last weekend, more than 100 cyclists got together to promote Dallas cycling in a most unusual way. They biked the Lee Harvey Oswald trail of tears – the escape route of our city's most accomplished presidential assassin. Because, come on, what says "cycling" more than "presidential assassination flight?"01/29/2009Airport losers make me want to jet The greatest people-watching, outside of porn, is at the airport. It is like a big savannah watering hole, where you are exposed to females from unfamiliar groups.
