Gordon Keith
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Scarecrows, poppies and Judy Garland, oh, my
12:00 AM CDT on Friday, October 24, 2008
I don't like scary movies, and I don't like rollercoasters. Basically, I don't like anything that makes my body go into fight- or-flight unnecessarily. I just like making love to a tipsy woman (bonus information).
When I was little, my parents let me watch all kinds of things that were inappropriate for kids. I remember watching one horribly scarring TV movie called The Dark Night of the Scarecrow. Like most movies of the 20th century, Charles Durning was in it.
The plot was simple: A group of hateful men wrongly blame a mentally disabled man for an attack on a young girl. They track him down to his hiding place – inside a scarecrow outfit in the middle of a corn field.
As we look into his quivering eyes, the three men blow him the damn away. Then, over the next two hours, we watch the scarecrow kill the men.
If my traumatized 6-year-old brain remembers correctly, one bad guy was killed in a grain silo, one was fed through a wood shredder and Charles Durning got a bellyful of pitchfork. Or was that in real life?
For years, I saw that scarecrow at the foot of my bed at night and behind my eyelids on sunny days. I even remember his name – Bubba Ritter.
But Dark Night of the Scarecrow does not compare to the most wicked, not-for-kids movie of all time, The Wizard of Oz. This is pure evil for a child.
Let me run down the list of things Dorothy endured that are well-suited for bringing on a child's mental apocalypse.
• Flying monkeys who tear apart your friend? Check.
• Evil woman riding a beach cruiser outside your window during a tornado? Check.
• Candy-cane looking legs that roll up like party favors and retract under a house post-mortem? Check.
• Veiny trees with angry faces that hate you and hurl fruit at your friends? Check.
• A green witch who makes your life a living hell before you cause her aquatic death? Check.
• Someone threatening to kill your dog? Check.
• A poppy field that makes you trip until you hit a road prophesied by little people? Check.
• An old man who looks like he is from the Monopoly game, and who takes off in your only mode of transportation back home? Check.
• Judy Garland? Check.
Now do you see why I hated this American classic? It should be removed from the children's section at the video store and placed properly in the "Movies for People Who Want to Check Out That Pink Floyd Thing" section.
But as long as scary movies are making money off our need for an adrenaline rush, I will continue developing my new film, The Dark Night of Dorothy Gale.
Ever seen a scarecrow wearing ruby slippers?
Hear Gordon on "The Ticket" KTCK-AM (1310) weekdays from 5:30 to 10 a.m. Catch him on TV on The Gordon Keith Show, Thursday nights at 12:35 a.m. on Channel 8. E-mail him at gordon@gordon keith.com.
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