"The news is not good, Mr. Keith," the doctor said. "You are going to need a few procedures to get you back to normal."
I stared at the doctor. She was so hot that I didn't hear a word from her full lips. "How long have you been a hot female dentist?" I asked.
"Excuse me, sir?"
"I'm sorry. It's just that my last dentist had a penis ... er. I'm sorry. Not that. Well, he did, but ... oh, God!" I ran over to the machine and started X-raying my head in a panic. Three dental assistants pried me off the machine, but not before one last kick sent it into the wall, felling a framed diploma.
As of last week, I had not been to the dentist in five years, and I knew my mouth must make me look like the lead singer of the Pogues. So I simply picked a name from my insurance list and made an appointment. I had no idea I was choosing Miss California 2002 or possibly her hotter sister.
When she came into the room, I suddenly became too self-conscious to open my mouth. They had to use a tire iron.
As I stared into the light, I couldn't help but compare the lithe, supple fingers in my mouth to that of my male orthodontist, Dr. Knuckles. Dr. Knuckles fitted me with braces and repaired them for seven years, and he had the largest fingers of any land mammal on Earth. They were like bananas or bratwursts, impossibly big and bruising. Somehow he would cram about five of them into my mouth at once, and I would often leave his office looking like I had been curbed.
But her fingers moved gracefully around my mouth, finding trouble wherever they landed, but I didn't care because she was so intoxicating. I was happy when I got the diagnosis: four filling replacements, two new fillings, three crowns, and five follow-up visits with Dr. Hotboddington. Totally worth it.
I am not a sexist – in fact, I love sex – but I used to be wary of the female dentist. Not anymore. I will never allow a man in my mouth again.
Please quote that out of context.
Hear Gordon on "The Ticket" KTCK-AM (1310) weekdays from 5:30 to 10 a.m. Catch him on TV on The Gordon Keith Show, Saturdays at 11:35 p.m. on Channel 8. E-mail him at gordon@gordonkeith.com.
