Many experts are saying that Hillary's scary "3 a.m." commercial is the thing that put her over the top in Texas. In the commercial, we see grainy nighttime footage of sleeping children with an ominous phone ringing in the background. Then we hear the earnest tones of the movie trailer guy saying something like ...
It's 3 a.m. and your children are safe and asleep. But there's a phone in the White House and it's ringing. Something's happening in the world. Your vote will decide who answers that call, whether it's someone who already knows the world's leaders or someone who's dad was a Muslim. It's 3 a.m. and your children are safe and asleep. Who do you want answering the phone?
I know my answer. NOT HILLARY. Hillary is accustomed to calls at 3 a.m., but it's usually related to Bill getting locked out of some chick's apartment wearing only a dress shirt, one navy sock, and a ball gag. So Hillary will be pissed from the moment the phone rings.
"Where are you, you bastard?"
"Madam President, it's your Chief of Staff. Pakistan is marshaling forces on the Indian border. We must prepare a response."
"Stop covering for him! Is he with that tramp from the tobacco lobbyists again? I bet he's got a ball gag in his mouth," she says.
"Madam President! We must scramble to the Situation Room."
"I tell you what I am going to do. I am going to scramble to throw all his [expletive] out onto the west lawn. See how he likes that."
Maybe that is unfair to Hillary, but not to Bill. I also dislike the prospect of John McCain answering the phone. McCain is a crazy old man with a get-off-my-lawn temper, the kind of dotard who just swings his cane at any commotion.
"Mr. President, China has just invaded Japan."
"Well, then go ahead and bomb Japan."
"I'm sorry, sir? China is the aggressor."
"Oh, then bomb India, and send out for some hamburgers. This is going to be a long night."
"Sir, I don't think you understand what is going on."
"I sure as hell do. Burger King is doing that thing where you can get a sack of burgers for five bucks. I figure there is 20 of us, so 13 sacks ought to do it," says McCain.
"But India will strike back with nuclear weapons."
"Yeah? Well, then order India some chicken sandwiches. And don't call back."
So that leaves us with Barack Obama. How would he respond to a 3 a.m. call to the White House?
"Hello. What? What happened? I am putting my clothes on now and I'll be down there in a minute. What? She locked you out? I can barely understand you, Bill. Are you wearing a ball gag?"
That's why I like Barack.
From a new commercial ...
It's 3 a.m. and you are caught wearing a ball gag outside of some skanky masseuse's apartment. Who do you want answering the phone? Barack Obama. (Cut to Obama standing outside in the night air.) I'm Barack Obama and I approve this massage.
Catchy.
Hear Gordon on "The Ticket" KTCK-AM (1310) weekdays from 5:30 to 10 a.m. Catch him on TV on The Gordon Keith Show, Saturdays at 11:35 p.m. on Channel 8. E-mail him at gordon@gordonkeith.com.
