I have always been fascinated by historic memorabilia – the coronation chair of England, Lincoln's Gettysburg address notes, Marilyn Monroe's panties, etc.
There is something to seeing or handling an artifact that was touched by the famous or infamous that makes us squeal like girls.
One of the biggest auction houses in the country for such things is Heritage Auction Galleries. Heritage is located in Dallas. In fact, they office right upstairs from my day job. Heritage is so cool that they sometimes let me go up there and lick the famous things they are auctioning.
I have sat at Johnny Carson's desk while wearing his sports jacket. I played Jimi Hendrix's telecaster upside-down and left-handed. I strummed Elvis Presley's acoustic and thumbed through the private diaries of Anna Nicole Smith while wearing Ned Beatty's underwear from Deliverance. I have even worn the watch Buddy Holly was wearing when his plane crashed. Very creepy.
But Heritage Galleries made news this week when it was alleged that they sold some stuff with shaky provenance. Turns out that a Johnny Carson microphone they sold might have just been a cardboard toilet paper roll with the name Carson written in shaky dry-erase on the side. Heritage is blaming it on a supplier, but I blame the toilet paper manufacturer. And the dead ghost of Johnny.
I have never bought anything from Heritage, but I used to buy my memorabilia from a lesser auction house called Johnny's Discount Valuables and Taco Stand. They are no longer in business (revoked health permit).
Here is a list of items (with advertised description) that I bought from Johnny's that turned out to be phonies.
1. George W. Bush's college workbook. "This algebra workbook was used by President Bush in college with all the correct answers! Written legibly with few beer stains, the amateur historian will get a kick out of the marginalia. One such scribbling reads, 'When I be president someday, I swear I'll kick Axis of Evil ass.' Boffo! $400."
2. A Buick once owned by Jesus. "This classic 29 A.D. Roadmaster was once owned by Jesus of Nazareth. Bought new from a dealership in Galilee and only driven 1,300 miles. Clean car. Non-smoker. Air blows cold! Minor cosmetic damage from rowdy apostles. $4,600."
3. Marie Antoinette's Cake Topper. "Who doesn't remember Marie's famous line 'Let them eat cake'? Well this is the actual cake she was talking about! Decorated with the finest in rococo trimming, the icing reads 'Happy 42nd, Louie Sweet Sixteen!' $200."
4. St. Anselm's Ontological Proof of the Existence of God. "This is your chance! St. Anselm's proof has been debated for ages in the rarified halls of academia. Now you have the chance to display his proof in your own home! The buyer will receive a plaster cast of the giant footprint St. Anselm discovered while walking in the woods in the spring of 1078 A.D. The foot size alone indicates it must have been 'a creator of some magnitude with large Abrahamic toes.' Don't miss this rare opportunity! $670."
Why am I such a fool? Don't answer.
Hear Gordon on "The Ticket" KTCK-AM (1310) weekdays from 5:30 to 10 a.m. Catch him on TV on The Gordon Keith Show, Saturdays at 11:35 p.m. on Channel 8. E-mail him at gordon@gordonkeith.com.
