Dear Mr. Keith,
I cannot in good conscience submit these deductions to the IRS. I am enclosing a list of your suspect deductions. If you can satisfactorily explain them to me, then I will process your documents with dispatch.
Jeff Goodman, CPA
Dear CPA,
I understand your concerns about my tax records, but I assure you I am in full compliance with the law. Just going down the list, they all seem self-explanatory to me. But here goes:
1) $2,000 for lingerie is NOT extravagant for a top newspaper columnist. [Name redacted] claimed $14,000 last year. Sometimes we need certain things to get us in the mood to write. Sometimes we make our editors dress up. No matter. It's legit.
2) The trip to the Caribbean was TOTAL research. It was part of an aborted series of first-person narratives on what it was like to have unprotected sex with a Haitian. The trips to Vegas, LA, Vail and Panama? Same deal. (It's awesome, by the way.)
3) Clinic visits: See above.
4) Let me explain. Liquor in our business is a necessity. It is both story lubrication and a way to forget a childhood. If you don't drink a lot, you can't do good work. Looks like I did about $17,000 worth of good work last year! Note: Strip bars pushed this figure higher than planned.
5) Pleeaase. The Porsche is used for commuting only, therefore deductible. The Civic is my weekend car.
6) I know you are curious about the $153,000 donation to Goodwill. I'll admit that is a little red-flaggy, but I sent you the blank receipt they gave me. Do me a favor and fill in "ORIGINAL PICASSO PAINTING" and "SOLID GOLD BAR COLLECTION." I ran out of room in my apartment and wanted another family to enjoy them.
7) It was my understanding that you could deduct organ donations at the time of donation card signing. I estimated the value of my organs at $30,000, which might be on the low side for American organs, come to think
of it.
8) I have enclosed nude pictures of myself to show you just how rad those "irrelevant" tattoos really are. (Ignore the other guy.) Tell the IRS that half of columning is image, and my image sells papers.
9) You win on this one. Everyone I asked says "crack rock ice cocaine" isn't deductible.
Mr. Keith,
You are a dumb man. I resign.
Mr. Goodman
Mr. Goodman,
Are you still going to do my taxes?
Gordon
P.S. Write back.
Hear Gordon on "The Ticket" KTCK-AM (1310) weekdays from 5:30 to 10 a.m. Catch him on TV on The Gordon Keith Show, Saturdays at 11:35 p.m. on Channel 8. E-mail him at gordon@gordonkeith.com.
