The pope visited the U.S. this week and expressed concern over American Catholics' tendency toward moral relativism and lax adherence to Catholic doctrine.
How dare he attack our flag like that! Has he never heard of the Bill of Constitutions that declares all men are equal in the sight of the Lord? The problem is that this guy is German and doesn't understand our American ways. What he needs is a good Vatican III to update the Catholic faith to attract lapsed U.S. Catholics back into the fold.
Here are seven ways to get Americans interested in Catholicism again:
1.) Less emphasis on morality: Americans hate a killjoy. We like the idea of morality, but we like hedge funds and Jell-O shots more. Change the name of the Ten Commandments to the Ten Suggestions and make hell more of a payroll deduction than a destination.
2.) What do people want? Communion: Put Communion at the beginning of Mass and give each congregant a tumbler of wine that they can nurse throughout the service. Actually, give them the choice of beer or wine. And offer well drinks at half off during weekday services.
3.) Put some "Extreme Catholic Challenges!" into the service: A guy has to read the Gospel while in a terrarium of hungry Norwegian rats. Another guy has to grab a wafer from the defending priest. And have judges. I recommend a Brit, a thin/fat black guy and a Percocet zombie.
4.) Even more pope merchandise: Let's ramp it up. This is America. Why doesn't the pope have his own NASCAR sponsorship or theme restaurant? "Have you tried the fried cheese at Pope's? It's sinful!"
5.) Utilize YouTube: Have the Pope jump a moving luxury car. Have him sing "Chocolate Rain" in a rich baritone. Have him tell us to leave Britney alone. We love stuff like that. Short, high-fiveable and funny.
6.) Elect an American pope: We are the greatest country on Earth – we deserve to have the papacy. But he needs to be a celebrity, someone like Brad Pitt. You know, hot but soulful.
7.) Or maybe we could just try to follow the religion as it is.
Hear Gordon on "The Ticket" KTCK-AM (1310) weekdays from 5:30 to 10 a.m. Catch him on TV on The Gordon Keith Show, Saturdays at 11:35 p.m. on Channel 8. E-mail him at gordon@gordonkeith.com.
