This is Gordon Keith's breakdown of the best and worst of Christmas. Enjoy, but please don't call the editors afterward.

Best Christmas decoration: Animated reindeer topiary

Worst Christmas decoration: Hog-tied, bloodied Santa

Best: Cuddling by the fire with brand-new girl/boyfriend.

Worst: Seeing that plus sign on a urine stick four weeks later.

Best Christmas carol: "Away in a Manger"

Worst Christmas carol: "Rudolph's Accidental Drug Overdose"

Best Christmas Special: How The Grinch Stole Christmas

Worst Christmas Special: How Charlie Sheen Felt Up My Sister

Average number of presents per child in 1977: 7

Average number of presents per child in 2007: 213

Best night to go caroling: The night before Christmas Eve.

Worst night to go caroling: The night after martial law.

Christmas 'do' No. 1: Attend Grandma's holiday party.

Christmas 'don't' No. 1: Get drunk at party and hit on hostess.

Best Christmas city: New York City

Worst Christmas city: Haifa, Israel

Best alternate Santa name: Jolly Old Saint Nick

Worst alternate Santa name: Horny Old Bastard

Christmas 'do' No. 2: Hanging your own lights from the roof.

Christmas 'don't' No. 2: Having nine beers in you when you do it.

Best Christmas injury: Burning your tongue on hot cocoa.

Worst Christmas injury: Being thrown through a plate glass window by an arresting officer.

Best Christmas gift ever: Bike

Worst Christmas gift ever: The clap

Favorite annual Christmas tradition: Eating Mom's Rice Krispies treats while decorating the tree.

Least favorite annual Christmas tradition: Fishing Dad out of the drunk tank past the county line.

Best Christmas memory: Tracking Santa's footprints in the snow.

Worst Christmas memory: Hearing "Yes, he's real ... in your heart."

Hear Gordon on "The Ticket" KTCK-AM (1310) weekdays from 5:30 to 10 a.m. Catch him on TV on The Gordon Keith Show, Saturdays at 11:35 p.m. on Channel 8. E-mail him at gordon@gordonkeith.com.