A column begins as an aimless affair. Sentences just dangle out there hoping to take root, and perhaps blossom into a real column, but many don't make it. I always end up with a lot of fatty gristle pieces at the end of my writing, and I always feel it's a shame to throw them away, unloved, like I was. Dad?

I am going to try an experiment. I am going to take all the sentences from three years' worth of column pruning, and with minimal additions, attempt to make a coherent column out of them. If I am any good, I will conceal the seams, and you will read another one of my flawless gems. I will highlight the connective tissue for scholarly study.

Stewardesses still do something for my pant area. I don't know whether it is the uniform, or the subservient nature, but if you are a female flight attendant, under 40 and can slip down the aisle without Crisco on your hips, I want to be invited into your cockpit.

Southwest Airlines used to hire knockouts, put them in short skirts and go-go boots and encourage them to flirt with passengers. Another local airline seems to have the opposite approach. They hire women who are only useful if you want to prolong the act of lovemaking and need something to think about.

But there are other things in life to consider. If you are like me, you spend a lot of time "daring" male friends to kiss you. I am so spontaneous like that! Sometimes I plan on just how I am going to bring the subject up and how grossed out I will be after we finish and I am making him breakfast.

Which brings up a good point: You can never look graceful in a sidecar.

Not only that, but I just can't get over how great I am at humility! However, the Palace of Wax in Grand Prairie caught fire, and it took 43 firefighters to blow it out.

To that end, my perceptive mother often called me a son of a bitch.

Still, I collect too little money and too much of what money can buy.

No matter which way you look at it, there was a little boy named Nick who lived in a magical kingdom called "The Real World" where people stabbed each other for cigarette money and slept with blood relatives. Therefore, people will read anything if its free.

Flawless.

Hear Gordon on "The Ticket" KTCK-AM (1310) weekdays from 5:30 to 10 a.m. Catch him on TV on The Gordon Keith Show, Saturdays at 11:35 p.m. on Channel 8. E-mail him at gordon@gordonkeith.com.