Gordon Keith
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Mayors and McMansions headline this opera
12:00 AM CDT on Friday, August 29, 2008
Please forward to Dallas's new Winspear Opera House.
Dallas: The Musical by Gdoorn Ktieh (anagram) based on a fever dream.
Idea: A musical that showcases the brilliant movers and shakers of our nation's fastest-growing job market– Dallas.
Story: The curtain rises on dim graveyard. We find a kneeling Tom Leppert, cheeks streaked with tears, supplicating forgiveness in front of a tombstone marked "Leviticus Ross." After he sings a rousing rendition of Joe Cocker's "You Can Leave Your Hat On," Mayor Leppert is startled by Dr. Elba Garcia, who is wielding a permanent marker, and flanked by angry cohorts. The mayor tries to protect the tombstone, but after a few numbers from West Side Story weaken his will, the tombstone is renamed. The mayor collapses into the arms of Ed Oakley, and a progressive reconciliation takes place.
Then, the animals! Jenny the Elephant (played by Ricki Lake) comes out and tap dances to "Home Sweet Home" while someone climbs above her enclosure and renames it "Tennessee." Jabari, played by Dale Hansen, comes out and swigs a fifth of gin and bags on the Cowboys. Angela Hunt is lowered deux ex machina and waves her wand as Jim Schutze applauds.
Cut to stage right where a bloodied Don Carter stands in the crumbling ruins of Reunion Arena as a new dawn breaks. His number is accompanied by the delicate ballet of Mark Cuban in a Victorian dress. Dirk Nowitzki marches menacingly in the background as a big "Round One" sign comes out and everyone collapses.
Then the moment everyone has been waiting for.
Jerry Jones and his top-hatted sons cut a rug to "Puttin' On the Ritz" while wearing "Arlington #1" foam hands. Jerry then delivers a soliloquy that no one understands while Laura Miller laughs at nothing in particular.
Finally, everyone onstage emerges from McMansions to celebrate our job market.
After curtain call, every audience member gets a copy of Briefing.
On second thought, don't publish and call doctor.
Hear Gordon on "The Ticket" KTCK-AM (1310) weekdays from 5:30 to 10 a.m. Catch him on TV on The Gordon Keith Show, Saturdays at 11:35 p.m. on Channel 8. E-mail him at gordon@ gordonkeith.com.
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