[an error occurred while processing this directive] 04/01/2010

Easter memories: candy, fights and fabric
It is Easter weekend and my excitement is Pavlovian.

03/25/2010

Sprinkle some fun into the 'drug talk'
Ron Washington, the Texas Rangers manager, had a shocking confession last week – he used cocaine in the middle of the 2009 season. This broke my Rangers baseball-loving heart and caused me to sniffle almost as much as Ron, except I was crying.

03/18/2010

Spring cleaning is not a pretty sight
I did something last week that goes against my upbringing – spring cleaning.

03/11/2010

Beer and boobs solve all of life's problems
This Saturday is the annual Greenville Avenue St. Patrick's Day celebration. There will be more than a few glassy-eyed wanderers who will make the pilgrimage to the burned-out hull of Terilli's restaurant. Over the past five years, many of my Quick columns were written there. Including this one. Help.

03/04/2010

Checking in on the president's checkup
President Obama had his first physical in office, and for some reason his medical report was released to the public. For the record, I don't believe that just because a dude is our president that we have the right to know whether he has a third nipple or parasitic twin. That should only be known by his God, his doctor and whomever he shows at parties.

02/25/2010

Let me apologize in advance ...
Seeing Tiger Woods up there behind the podium, sweating and delivering what sounded like a fourth-grade book report, made me realize that forgiveness is a powerful weapon. Since I have done so many seedy things in my life, I want to get out in front of any scandal by offering my pre-written mea culpa right now:

02/18/2010

A child's dream and an adult's nightmare
My street looks like one of those Katrina things hit it. Branches everywhere. Car windows smashed by fallen limbs. Me looting. And now that the warmth has taken the last of the snow, I'm a little sad.

02/11/2010

Love letters totally set the mood
Iwill be alone again this Valentine's Day, the victim of a woman who likes to press charges and the man who calls her his wife. Don't want to get into it. Not before being sworn in.

02/04/2010

How to throw a Super Bowl party
This is the weekend we celebrate America by getting drunk and watching commercials. Yes, Virginia, it's Super Bowl time.

01/28/2010

Let's talk breeding (Dogs, this time.)
This week, I heard a guy on the radio talking about buying a thousand-dollar "designer dog." I had to pull over and softly cry into a fast-food napkin. I swear, our country is now so successful that we make up stuff to spend our money on. Since when did dogs cost a thousand bucks? They used to be "free to a good home," or cost about $15 out of the back of a station wagon at a truck stop.

01/21/2010

Tips for beating Cowboys depression
And now, Dallas Cowboys depression sets in. I don't know about you, but since the game on Sunday, I have been walking around in a pink bathrobe, missing work and sharing food with my cat.

01/14/2010

Surviving the flight of the damned
I get it. Traveling on a plane with children is tough work. Parents must platoon to keep the children quietly entertained.

01/07/2010

A New Year's Eve to forget
There are three things you cannot trust me with: a bag of meth, an underage ferret and a live TV microphone. The first two are obvious (I love feeding underage ferrets meth). The third? It's on YouTube.

12/24/2009

I keep my resolutions easy to reach
Time to start getting serious about your New Year's resolutions. I know you are thinking that you are a miserable fat loser and there's really no hope of trying to change yourself for the better. Very true, but why not make a half-hearted effort just to say you did? (I have a motivational-speaker background.)

12/17/2009

My rules and regulations for mall Santas
Being a mall Santa is a tough business. My father was a mall Santa. In fact, I think he met my mother on the job. She wasn't a kid, mind you. She was a full-grown human female working as an elf. They hit it off, unfortunately in front of children. So he was fired, and I carry the shame in my DNA.

12/10/2009

How to get flocked for Christmas
I'm notoriously cheap when it comes to buying a real Christmas tree. I just can't see paying 200 bucks to watch something die that I didn't put a bullet through.

12/03/2009

Gordon's helpful Christmas FAQ
December is here, and you know what that means: Only one more month until my electronic monitoring bracelet is removed. (I can't wait to freely move around Collin County again.)

11/26/2009

Why I'm thankful this year
I don't know why, but every year at this time I like to write down a list of things for which I'm thankful. I think the tradition is somehow tied in with my anticipation of the Pearl Harbor anniversary.

11/19/2009

Why do we date the demented?
I once went out with a girl who had the odd superpower of being able to get twice as drunk as the average human. This could produce tremendous awkwardness at parties when she would vomit behind throw pillows or pass out in the dog run.

11/12/2009

How to get to, and improve, Sesame Street
Sesame Street is celebrating its 40th anniversary this week.

11/05/2009

It's a man's world ... or is it?
I was watching her get ready for our date. There was something beautiful about her fuss over the details.

10/29/2009

Gordon's Halloween Grab Bag of Fun
There are few things in this world more fun and life-affirming than my Annual Halloween Grab Bag of Fun. I consider it a labor of love, but you can think of it as a list of stuff I came up with right before last call. Either way, we're both wrong.

10/22/2009

It takes years to undo fears of youth
What is life, other than attempting to impress your high school friends years after they have ceased to care?

10/15/2009

Decorating my heart out
"Please tell me you are not going to decorate the house for Halloween again," she said.

10/08/2009

An exclusive interview with U2-loving Dunham & Miller
In anticipation of U2's concert on Monday at Cowboys Stadium, our own Gordon Keith was granted exclusive access to the two most famous U2 lovers in North Texas – George Dunham and Craig Miller of "The Ticket." Gordon: After 30 years, why is U2 still your favorite band?

10/01/2009

Requiem for a squirrel
[Editor's note: We return to one of Gordon's classic columns this week. Think of it as "Gordo's Gold." Or a rerun. Either one.]

09/24/2009

My love affair with the fair
If you are a longtime reader of this award-winning, hastily written column, you know that I love the State Fair of Texas more than I love putting my man privates in a vise and inviting strangers to crank on it. (Editor's note: Gordon, this comparative doesn't work.)

09/17/2009

Pardon the interruption: Kanye West and Joe Wilson
I am glad that Americans have shown that they can unite against a common enemy, like al-Qaeda, cancer and Kanye West.

09/10/2009

Gordo talks to Romo, and offers his fearless Cowboys predictions
Now that the Death Star in Arlington is fully operational, Jerry's plan for controlling the NFL galaxy is coming to fruition. All he needs now is the cooperation of a powerful, somewhat young Jedi (Romo), and the cunning of a beautiful princess who was once attracted to her brother (Wade).

09/03/2009

I'm a stallion who's not in the mood
A few days ago, I pulled on my cowboy boots, snapped up my Western shirt and arrived at a horse-riding stable at the crack of dawn. The sky was already blushing as I kicked through the dust toward the barn with coffee in hand.

08/27/2009

First day of school fears

08/20/2009

Old-style fan just blows me away
Ihave many heirlooms. My father's desk. My uncle's pocket watch. My grandmother's chastity belt (broken).

08/13/2009

Let's dumb down together

08/06/2009

Behind the scenes at Cowboys training camp
It is my strong opinion that the Dallas Cowboys are the biggest NFL franchise in Dallas-Fort Worth. This cannot be disputed. Kinda like the moon landing and the Kennedy assassination.

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