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05/09/2008
Why don't you believe I have four nipples?
The mayor of Carrollton, Becky Miller, is my new favorite politician. Many politicians shade the truth for political purposes. But the claims Becky's acquaintances say she has made sound like she's trying to get into the popular kids' group at recess.
05/02/2008
From now on, only chicks can get in my mouth
"The news is not good, Mr. Keith," the doctor said. "You are going to need a few procedures to get you back to normal."
04/25/2008
Big Thing host ruined the whole affair
The Big Thing Review, reprinted from The Dallas Morning News :
04/18/2008
Cooler Catholic rules would draw Americans
The pope visited the U.S. this week and expressed concern over American Catholics' tendency toward moral relativism and lax adherence to Catholic doctrine.
04/11/2008
So what if my tax return's a little red-flaggy?
04/04/2008
Gordon fired for writing this dated column
I love April Fools' Day. I am the master of the April Fools' prank. Around my office they call me "Gordon," but they should be calling me "Elaborate April Fools' Day Prank Guy Who Gets Us Every Damn Time."
03/28/2008
School bus of my youth was full of characters
"Are you sure?" she said. She had her dark hair in rollers, and her eyes looked at me from under the hair dryer dome in the beauty parlor.
03/21/2008
New season means it's time for a new lover
Yesterday was the first day of spring, and yes, I took a new lover.
03/14/2008
Gordon's escorts: cheap and ready to please
If New York Governor Eliot Spitzer had used my escort agency, he wouldn't be out of a job or $80,000.
03/07/2008
Who would best handle Bill's drunk-dials?
Many experts are saying that Hillary's scary "3 a.m." commercial is the thing that put her over the top in Texas. In the commercial, we see grainy nighttime footage of sleeping children with an ominous phone ringing in the background. Then we hear the earnest tones of the movie trailer guy saying something like ...
02/29/2008
I dig weird gals no matter what people say
It is an important debate. Is Amy Winehouse doable? My friend says, "No, she is grossly underweight and reeks of disease and potty." To which I say, "exactly."
02/22/2008
Cut through election muddle and vote for me
I know you are confused. Our presidential primary is March 4, and you feel the pressure of the unknown. Whom do you support? What are the issues? Does Hillary have the jowls of a bulldog? Fair questions.
02/15/2008
Landlord just not a home improvement fan
02/08/2008
If it sounded too good to be true, I bought it
I have always been fascinated by historic memorabilia – the coronation chair of England, Lincoln's Gettysburg address notes, Marilyn Monroe's panties, etc.
02/01/2008
I'm in Phoenix and have yet to figure out why
If you have read this column for any length of time, you know that I am first and foremost a reporter. So that is why earlier this week, I suspended my study of the female anatomy and headed out to Phoenix to cover the Super Bowl. Here are some selections from my reporter's notebook.
01/25/2008
Nothing could be finer than alien-human love
I am intrigued by UFOs and extraterrestrials. They play on my sense of mystery.
01/18/2008
The best lessons involve murder, extra limbs
The following are stories from my poor-selling motivational book, Who Touched My Peter Principle?
01/11/2008
Gordon Keith: When Dr. Phil intrudes on real life
01/04/2008
Terms 'garter' and 'novel' are used loosely
To get an early jump on my New Year's resolutions, I am going to begin writing the three Dallas novels that will serve as my triptych of our Metroplex life. I will do it right here, right now. I hope you enjoy the process as much as I'm enjoying the beer.
12/28/2007
A vacation at home isn't much of one
I am making another big mistake. My first big mistake was marrying my best friend, a 300-pound electrician named Ivan, but my current mistake is taking the "stay-at-home vacation."
12/21/2007
Christmas brings out the best, worst in lists
This is Gordon Keith's breakdown of the best and worst of Christmas. Enjoy, but please don't call the editors afterward.
12/14/2007
Hope Santa has finance, psychotherapy tips
Santa, I hope my annual letter finds you well. Me? Not so much. I am crying as I write this. (Got maced.)
12/07/2007
A nice fire at home needn't involve casualties
There is nothing that makes a house more homey than a fire. Not a house fire. Those are wet blankets. Well, not wet blankets, but rather spirit-crushing family killers. [Rewrite before submission.]
11/30/2007
Can't we get a simple pair of jeans anymore?
I have a pair of jeans that I really like, but they are getting old and gamey. A couple days ago, I choked down my hatred of shopping and went searching for a replacement. I went to the mall, to a hip store, where my woman had bought the original pair.
11/23/2007
'Tis the season for a conversation with God
G ordon Keith: First of all I want to thank you for sitting down with me.
11/16/2007
An old-fashioned Keith family day of thanks
Maybe it is because I grew up in the rural south, but the Keiths have always celebrated Thanksgiving in large style. It wasn't until I got older that I realized our family was atypical in its approach to our national day of thanks.
11/09/2007
Strike with pretty signs, slogans
We have endured two crippling strikes recently.
11/02/2007
Vote yes, no and maybe so on the toll road
I have always been amazed that a newspaper, the unbiased source of our news, can publish election recommendations. Every time I have voted, I have seen people with an unfolded copy of the Dallas Morning News Editorial page in their fist, copying down answers like a dishonest second-grader. Am I working to change this within the Dallas Morning News organization? Not really. I am actually hanging at home right now watching Old School and waiting for my dealer.
10/25/2007
Cheap costume made for a very rich night
When I was a boy, my elementary school had a Halloween Carnival. Not a "Fall Carnival" as certain anti-God liberals have tried to rebrand it, but a good old-fashioned Christian Halloween Carnival with blood and witches and everything.
10/18/2007
The rich only differ in one way - they're hot
The rich are very pretty. Except the old ones. They are kinda gross. But for the most part, rich people are prettier than you and me. Why is that?
10/11/2007
Confront your fears of penguin sexual tension
Tonight at 10 I will commemorate my final television show for Channel 52 in grand style – I will deep-fry a human skull and nurse a pig. I love making the world a better place.
10/04/2007
Wanna buy a soul? Neiman's may have that
Neiman Marcus released its 81st annual Christmas Book this week. It's full of regular rich people stuff like furs, china and angel's tears. However, the headlines are reserved for the highest-dollar esoteric items, like his-and-her ski resorts and dragon souls.
09/27/2007
How's Lindsay Lohan? Only Gordon knows
09/20/2007
C'mon, give your co-workers a fair shake
Look at your hands right now. Did you wash them after the last time you did your evil in the restroom? Be honest. Santa-Jesus is listening, and giggling.
09/13/2007
Watching Brit flop is hardly enjoyable now
I will wave the white flag for her, since she is too drunk to care. I feel horrible for Britney. I just can't enjoy the freak show anymore. It's like watching your grandmother booty shake; it's pathetic yet arousing.
09/06/2007
Gordon Keith: And if the air blows hot, it must be shot
"Why don't you get a new car? You drive the oldest car of any of our friends and I'm afraid that thing is unsafe," she said.
08/30/2007
Pageant answer was everywhere like such as
If you haven't seen Miss South Carolina fumble through an answer to a question at the Miss Teen USA competition, you are probably dead.
08/31/2007
Maybe we should just read Playboy instead
12:00 AM CDT on Thursday, August 23, 2007 One in four Americans doesn't read even one book a year according to a new study. So what? Does that mean we're illiterut? I don't think so.
Elvis' death was a sad milestone of youth
12:00 AM CDT on Thursday, August 16, 2007 Another memory. It was 30 years ago today. I was in the back of a powder blue Oldsmobile Ninety-Eight digging at the deep buttons of the seat where the tiny crumbs of my movie popcorn had fallen. My dad was in the driver's seat, toothpick in his mouth, flying down the county road to my grandparents' house outside of Jackson, Miss. My older brother turned around from the front passenger's seat.
Damon is one celebrity unspoiled by success
12:00 AM CDT on Thursday, August 9, 2007 Last weekend, The Bourne Ultimatum was released and blew past expectations, bringing in $70.2 million. I was so happy, because of Matt Damon.
Parking lots: Broken glass, pavement, hopes
12:00 AM CDT on Thursday, August 2, 2007 I am a sworn enemy of the paid downtown parking lot. I hate these joints.
Road trips were much more magical as a kid
12:00 AM CDT on Thursday, July 26, 2007 I am in San Antonio for Dallas Cowboys training camp. I took the long way down here, down 281, through the heart of Hill Country.
To write well, think Quidditch, Bourne, sex
12:00 AM CDT on Thursday, July 19, 2007 Have you ever wanted to be writer, but just didn't know how to get started? Take it from me, someone who has had tremendous success publishing vacuous pieces with a 500 word quota: Writing can be fun and profitable with little money down.
Ladies, meet Pottermania's Hugh Hefner
12:00 AM CDT on Thursday, July 12, 2007 I get the question so often that I'm sick of it: "Gordon, how did you become such a good lover?"
It's just a vacation, but I may not come back
12:00 AM CDT on Thursday, July 5, 2007 I prepare for vacations the way Pharaohs prepared for death – on a grand scale and with my organs in mason jars.
Yeeee-haw, it's time to kick butt! [Applause]
12:00 AM CDT on Thursday, June 28, 2007 In addition to being an award-winning columnist/inventor, from time to time I write speeches to make ends meet.
Live a fulfilling life. Learn how to slash tires
12:00 AM CDT on Thursday, June 21, 2007 "Gordon, would you say you have led a full life?" Jake asked with a tail of spaghetti curled around his chin.
Thank God for dads. They keep us humble
12:00 AM CDT on Thursday, June 14, 2007
Late fashion bloomer needs a woman's help
12:00 AM CDT on Thursday, June 7, 2007 I need new clothes. I have one T-shirt in my regular rotation that I KNOW is from my sophomore year in high school.
Spelling bees bring families so much closer
12:00 AM CDT on Thursday, May 31, 2007 I will be rooting for Samir Patel, the Colleyville kid, in this year's National Spelling Bee, but I won't watch it.
Brief encounter sometimes all that's needed
12:00 AM CDT on Thursday, May 24, 2007 She was a really pretty girl from a small place in Arkansas. Blonde, with clear eyes and a certain kindness. Her shoes were open-toe and her nails were pink and she had a tiny scar on her left thumb that I didn't ask about. She sat next to me on a plane from Nashville two days ago.
I'll reduce my carbon footprint some other day
12:00 AM CDT on Thursday, May 17, 2007 "I think I'll mow the yard with my new mower, then sit out in the back yard and enjoy the evening while catching up on my e-mail," I told her as she kept reading. "I am really excited about reducing my carbon footprint."
My fail-safe recipe for superhero success
12:00 AM CDT on Thursday, May 10, 2007 Spider-Man 3 made $4 trillion in its first minute of release, why? Because the Devil's plan is working? Sure, but also because all humans love superheroes.
Smoking Gun, are you listening to this?
12:00 AM CDT on Thursday, May 3, 2007
Mrs. Keith: Striking fear into the hearts of men
08:57 AM CDT on Thursday, April 26, 2007 My mother is a fear-mongerer of the highest order. Looking back, I realize now that my whole childhood was based on manipulating my behavior through fear. Let's take a look at my mother's pearls of wisdom.
Ask Gordo, because he is smarter than you
12:00 AM CDT on Thursday, April 19, 2007 [Editor's note: We return to one of Gordon's classic columns this week. Think of it as "Gordo's Gold." Or a rerun. Either one.]
Who can think with all this lunch meat?
12:00 AM CDT on Thursday, April 12, 2007
Keith Richards makes us feel invincible
09:20 AM CDT on Thursday, April 5, 2007 A few days ago, Keith Richards made the claim that he once snorted his dead daddy's ashes after mixing them with cocaine. Now he tells us he was joking. Damn! I need it to be true.
Sometimes we Texans enjoy faking it
12:00 AM CDT on Thursday, March 29, 2007 Rick Perry has screwed up. The "Castle Doctrine" is a disastrous piece of legislation. In case you don't know what it is, the "Castle Doctrine" states that a Texan is no longer required to fake evidence that he tried to get away from an intruder before he kills him.
I'm still obsessed with bikes and ringlets
12:00 AM CDT on Thursday, March 22, 2007 Spring is here and, for me, 'tis the season of the bike. Some men are obsessed with motorcycles; I am obsessed with bicycles. I always want a new one, and I want it to be my primary mode of transportation. The bad thing is, I don't do anything about my wants.
To my dad, I just don't make the cut
09:51 AM CDT on Thursday, March 15, 2007 My father is 63 and cuts his own yard. I am half his age and have some guy who looks like Tommy Chong do mine. This does not play well in the elder Keith's court.
The new Wii. Killer graphics. Write back!
08:20 AM CST on Thursday, March 8, 2007 A lot has happened since we last spoke. I got a new DVD player for my game room, and I was convicted of Perjury and Obstruction of Justice.
Some breakups can be painful things
12:00 AM CST on Thursday, March 1, 2007
Adventures in eating with the Keith fam
12:00 AM CST on Thursday, February 22, 2007 My peanut butter was tainted with salmonella and I never even noticed. You know why? I have the stomach of a goat because I am a Keith. I don't think Keiths are necessarily born that way, but we adapted to meet our tough surroundings.
I can't help it - I'm a romantic at heart
12:00 AM CST on Thursday, February 15, 2007
Space camp would make anyone wet themselves
12:00 AM CST on Thursday, February 8, 2007 I just don't get why we can't keep it together. Humans are such funny creatures (except Dane Cook). One moment you are a happy, well-adjusted, married astronaut mother of three staring at our beautiful world from God's vantage point, and the next you are frantically driving from Houston to Orlando to allegedly kill a chick with a BB gun while wearing a urine-soaked diaper. At least that has been my experience anyway.
I'm still scared to call for room service
12:00 AM CST on Thursday, February 1, 2007
Newspaper Column: Dirt and parasites = awesome birthdays
08:04 AM CST on Thursday, January 25, 2007 He was a smaller kid named Sam. His hair was sheep-shorn and he wore the same shirt three of the five days of a school week.
Newspaper Column: Winter turns our brains into icy mush
09:23 AM CST on Thursday, January 18, 2007 There is a prettiness to it all. I like the white on the ground. I like the suspended moment of icicles. I like men carrying children, and I like being able to see the breath from a woman's mouth as she tiptoes over ice to get to her car. But I can't stand the talk.
Newspaper Column: Don't let this city suck out your soul
08:44 AM CST on Thursday, January 11, 2007 So far, so damn good ...
Newspaper Column: Read this column now if you want to live
10:17 AM CST on Thursday, January 4, 2007 I make resolutions; I don't make "personal enrichment goals" or "quiet promises to myself." I make good, strong resolutions, hard and fast, without mercy, until I am spent. This is the year that you will see a completely new and different Gordon in print. A bolder, more bold, betterer writer who thinks before he speaks and ... just everything.
Also, tell the tooth fairy that I moved
12:00 AM CST on Thursday, December 28, 2006
Newspaper Column: Christmas traditions of carriages and pill-mixing
09:00 AM CST on Thursday, December 21, 2006 For the past half a decade, in the middle of each December, my friends, their hot wives and I climb into a horse-drawn carriage and ride through Highland Park to look at Christmas lights and drink wine under the stars.
Newspaper Column: Some special - and spicy - holiday viewing
When you write a column for a major metropolitan daily, you get a lot of mail. Most of the mail is threatening, but some of it is a plea for you to review some Great New Product. It could be a book, a movie, a fish tranquilizer, or maybe even a new, flavored condom. (Tastes OK.) This year, I received five Christmas specials on DVD with notes requesting favorable reviews. Here are my findings.
Newspaper Column: Christmas means giving ... tuberculosis
10:00 AM CST on Thursday, December 7, 2006 Dustin cheerfully hung the decorations on the 20-foot tree as his wife, Candy, made her special Rachael Ray Christmas cookies.
Newspaper Column: Get touched by the holiday spirit
09:03 AM CST on Thursday, November 30, 2006 It all started with a large candy cane, a big, giant 25-foot candy cane.
Newspaper Column: More Super Turkey, possum and potty
09:16 AM CST on Wednesday, November 22, 2006 Let's not kid ourselves. Thanksgiving is a nightmare of death.
Newspaper Column: My elections are always long, hard
09:15 AM CST on Thursday, November 9, 2006 Every election I get all jazzed up to do my civic duty, yet it turns into a revealing act of shame and disgust. Just like lovemaking.
Newspaper Column: An unbalanced voice gives way to 5 others
10:44 AM CST on Thursday, November 2, 2006 After much thought and prayerful consideration, I have decided to give up my column space to our gubernatorial candidates so that they may make their last-minute appeals to undecided voters.
Newspaper Column: Halloween makes all the sense in the world
08:30 AM CDT on Thursday, October 26, 2006 Like most kids, Halloween is my second favorite holiday behind Burning Man. In order to prepare you for the scariest of October nights, I give you Gordon Keith's Halloween Grab Bag of Fun and Horror.
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