Jason Janik/Special Contributor
When it came time to pick a host for Quick’s Big Thing, we turned to our old pal Gordon Keith, radio personality on The Ticket, columnist for Quick and host of The Gordon Keith Show on Channel 8. Here’s more from an e-mail interview with the Great Gordo. Rob Clark
Q: Thank you for hosting our Big Thing. Have you ever hosted a Big Thing before?
A: I have never hosted a Big Thing, but plenty of ladies have hosted one while I was around! … While I watched from the shadows with a twitchy hand. Go Mavericks!
Q: Many Oscar hosts perform a little song and dance at the start of the show. Can you sing and dance?
A: I can do both exceedingly well, but won’t because of a botched penile implant. Kidding. Nothing botched about it. Go Mavericks!
Q: You’re a longtime David Letterman fan. But he was a little shaky hosting the Oscars. Will you review the tape to learn from his mistakes?
A: My dream is to make every mistake David Letterman didn’t think of making. Does that make sense? I have had a few anticipatory cocktails.
Q: Any chance for an Uma-Oprah moment?
A: Weren’t those the little guys on Willy Wonka?
Q: We were surprised at the “mandatory backstage accoutrements” you demanded on your rider. Can you explain some of them?
A: Well, the greased game cock is for a science project, and the greased hen is for personal reasons. The gold is for my ladies, and the ladies are for the gold.
Q: We’re a little concerned that award winners will ramble during their acceptance speeches. Any recommendations on how to get them to stop?
A: A well-trained deer rifle just off-stage does wonders for time-consciousness.
Q: How do you think noted douchebag Chris Chris would accept an award?
A: By flipping the double bird and declaring everyone jealous. Just like my speech at my arraignment.
Q: We’re having a rap battle as part of the show. Might you consider a little freestyle rapping?
A: Sure, if I have enough time to script it.
Q: The Polyphonic Spree is our headliner. Have you ever considered leading a 23-member pop orchestral choir?
A: I was the original leader of The Polyphonic Spree. We had a falling-out over direction. I didn’t want to be in a band as much as a group of friends who shared a bus. Ultimately, they brought in Tim DeLaughter, who wanted to reinvent the Von Trapps by wearing curtains and touring Europe. (I leased them the bus at a small loss.)
Q: Well, thank you for hosting. It’s an honor for us.
A: I can’t wait to be drunk and abusive before the first award, and vomit-splattered and pulse-free before the last. Go Quick!
