Originally published Jan. 21, 2010.

Calamity: Greetings, sports fans. Welcome to another installment of Sports Chat. I'm Calamity Dinkens.

Zip: And I'm Zip Zippler.

Calamity: So, Dallas fans are still recovering from Sunday's bitter defeat at the hands of Brett Favre and the Vik–

Zip: Not Zip Falcon.

Calamity: Whuh?

Zip: I'm Zip Zippler, not Zip Falcon.

Calamity: Real professional, Zip.

Zip: I thought this was America! I just don't get it!

Calamity: Well, our readers won't get it either.

Zip: This isn't about them. This is between me and the editor. And freedom!

Calamity: Folks, I may as well clue you into what he's going on about. You're actually reading the second column we've submitted this week. Due to something Zip talked about in our first draft, the powers-that-be quite responsibly deemed it too inappropriate for print, so we're taking a second pass at it.

Zip: Don't address the readers! This is between me and the editor, with freedom in the middle. Freedom sandwich!

Calamity: So anyway, the Cowboys –

Zip: I still say it's a fart prank.

Calamity: "The Robust Falcon" is a lurid sex act. That has been thoroughly established, Zip. Why would you even want to call yourself "Zip Falcon"?

Zip: What? Why not?

Calamity: Whether "the Robust Falcon" is a juvenile fart prank or a filthy sex act, why would you want to be called "Zip Falcon"?

Zip: 'Cause falcons are badass.

Calamity: Just regular falcons, then? Not "the Robust Falcon"?

Zip: Yeah. Proud, majestic falcons. I think you're the one fixated with this "Robust Falcon" fart-prank thing, Cal. Also, I whiffed wind in your lunch.

Calamity: What?

Zip: I successfully performed the infamous and uproarious "Robust Falcon" on the egg salad sandwich you ate earlier.

Calamity: You did what?

Zip: It was egg salad! How could I not?

Calamity: Gah!

Zip: Look up "the perfect crime" in a dictionary and it says "farting on an egg salad sandwich."

Calamity: I think I'm going to throw up.

Zip: Don't barf, Cal. That was the other thing they had a problem with in our first draft. Remember all the barfing? So much barfing.

Calamity: Sweet lord, I can feel it.

Zip: Don't do it.

Calamity: Breathing. I'm breathing. I'm not vomiting. I'm breathing.

Zip: Think about baseball.

Calamity: That's the first sports-related thing you've ever said in this column.

Zip: Hey, you're right. Look at me! I'm a real-life sportscaster.

Calamity: I need to lay down. That's it for Sports Chat. I'm Calamity Dinkens. Tune in next time when we'll try to talk about sports.

Zip: And I'm Zip "Falcon" Zippler saying, "fart in your co-worker's lunch or the terrorists win!"

Sports Chat With Zip Zippler and Calamity Dinkens is brought to you by Gluhrman's Yogurt: "If it makes your dingle tingle and your bingle bangle, then you know that it's Gluhrman's!"